Hour seven of walking through a warehouse the size of six Costcos is when you start to lose your mind. Forklifts whiz by, their drivers wearing an orange vest honk at you to get out of their way, and at least one of them slapped my arm with a plastic ruler when I tried to hop on the back of his little truck. I just wanted freedom, it didn’t matter how I released from my box lined prison.Read More
My dad and I haven’t spoken in years. There wasn’t one thing that ended our relationship, but rather a series of escalating failures on both ends that illustrated how different we are from one another, and how it’s probably best that we don’t hang out.Read More
Off the bat, that title is inaccurate. I don’t hate everyone. I like my dogs. There are a few people on Twitter that make me laugh, and I tend to enjoy the company of the other writers for some reason. Other than that, most people can go jump in a lake. It stands to reason that as someone who rarely leaves the comfort of his house, that I don’t have to go out of my way to avoid social situations that don’t involve my dogs, or discussing topics for a quarterly magazine. When I do leave the gloomy chambers of my one bedroom apartment, it’s to walk down the street to my favorite bar and chat with the bartender, Karl (whom, come to think of it, I also quite like). Against my better judgment, and in a frenzied moment of needing to get out of my house, I accepted an invitation to a game night.Read More
Regardless of how you feel about property and whether or not anything actually belongs to anyone, we can all agree that it’s not cool to go around stealing stuff - especially cars. On the whole, people need their cars to get back and forth from their jobs or to school, if that car’s stolen then the emotional and financial stress can be too much to bare for some people. However, there are a few completely acceptable circumstances in which you can steal a car.Read More
Being a web slinging super hero isn’t as easy you’d think. A ild case of the beer shits and alack for real human connection come standard with the job. It’s 11:30 and my phone won’t stop ringing. Kill Pretty wants an interview with the greatest protector this city has even known and I can’t find my fucking pants. Not feeling up to going under ground without being elevated, I down two tall cans and smoke a spidey joint before carring on with my endeavor.
I ride the train for free because this city owes me. There are countless citizens I’ve saved from the clutches of monotony while strolling down the boulevard with nothing to stare at but souvenir shops and hobos pissing in the corner. When I arrive at the Highland/Hollywood station there’s a crispness oin the air with a hint of desperation, and maybe rat poop. No sign of Megatron, Iron Man, or Silver Spray Paint All Over his Face And Suit Man. They must be upstairs saving society for dollar bills like modern day mercenaries who you hire for your shitty tourist pictures hen family comes to visit you and… oh shit I blacked out for a minute.
I might have drank too much… or maybe I’m still just drunk from the night before… or maybe this weed is laced with some other shit ‘cause mother fuckin’ kids are lookin’ at me like I’m some kind of drunk asshole instead of the hero they all worship. They’ve made movies about me god damnit! I’m givin’ out thumbs ups tellin’ kids not to do drugs knowing that’s their only escape from reality unless they get bit by a radioactive spider like me… Shit, I’m doing it again. Okay I just gotta find Nacho and that bearded bastard from last night that agreed to meet me here and get this over with so I can return to my web.I’m 45 minutes late ut I know they wouldn’t leave a spider hanging…
Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
Only use the terms “mommy” and “daddy” sparingly, specifically when you’re fucking your mommy or your daddy.
Refer to your underwear as “the place where boners sleep.”
The TSA can’t get mad at you for fucking in airport if you do it in the X-Ray scanner.
It’s technically cyber sex if you leave your laptop on your bed while you get weird.
Put your girlfriend in a rubber mask. Then put yourself in a rubber mask. Then put your mother in a rubber mask. And then have sex I guess.
Refer to your bedroom as the “fuck palace” or “boner world” if you never want to have sex again.
Twisting your penis up with three or more penises is what’s known as a “Vine Compilation.”
Twisting your penis up with three or more penises belonging to guys named Vince is what’s known as a “Vince Compilation.”
If their SAT scores are below 700 then don’t fuck them. Is that low? High? I actually haven’t taken the SATs.
Eat a peach after sex if you want to get covered in even more juice.
The moon. Your friend, imaginary lover, and largest nocturnal celestial body gracing the sky – or is it? Have you ever stopped to consider the possibility that the moon is actually an alien spacecraft orbiting Earth, lying in wait until the time comes for interplanetary domination? I doubt it. You and your heliocentric worldview probably never take the time to reflect on the possibility that something’s not right with that big piece of cream pie in the sky.
Even if the moon isn’t a spaceship full of Reptilians/Greys/Doktarians, it’s still not on the up and up. Can we at least agree on that? Something seems off about its craggy, too perfectly imperfect surface. An alternate and equally viable theory is that the moon is a holographic projection thrust into the sky by NASA. Scoff if you like, but there are signs every night that the moon is nothing more than an elaborate hoax beamed into the sky that’s meant to keep you docile.
Have you ever noticed that the moon is sometimes very big and other times very small? How can you explain the size disparity with anything other than a projector? Some nights the moon turns red, I’ve also seen it a hastily painted yellow. Um hello, NASA, the moon is white! How are we supposed to trust these ding dongs with a government pension to send us to space if they can’t even keep the color of the moon straight? Or maybe the moon just changes color, there’s really no way of knowing.
Every time I go to a fast food restaurant, it reminds me of certain painful interactions and with women from my past. As a poor person in Los Angeles, fast food is the most logical choice for my meals like 20% of the time. I eat it for survival and I know it’s fucked up, but fast food culture is ubiquitous here.
It’s different in Massachusetts. In my youth, fast food was used to mark a really special occasion. We used to have great birthday parties at McDonald’s. Or Burger King if the kid’s family had a good year fiscally. I really view Burger King as a treat and a legitimate meal to boot. Wendy’s is a different story. My family still has significant sit down dinners at Wendy’s. These are rich people, now. Like, these days, they have the wherewithal to go get 20 dollar burgers. But they’re still eating Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.
McDonald’s, though obviously the shitties of the bunch, has really good pickle and ketchup chemicals. Burger King has crispy lettuce and nice mayo. Wendy’s, I mean come on, Wendy’s is a place I can’t even really admit is shitty. I have nothing bad to say about Wendy’s. They even make their burgers into shapes! So when I tell you my first time at In-N-Out was divine for me, I’m not lying. It was like… it was like eating freshly showered pussy for the first time. I shit you not. It’s like, the more you eat the better it tastes, and you can’t stop drooling or thinking about the next bite but at the same time you’re transported to a place and mindeset wherein you’re not aware of the future or the past, desire, or regret. You’re just there eating a burger/pussy, which is technically the entire point of America.
Taco Bell, the purveyors of fourth meal, feeders of stoners, teens, and stoned teens everywhere have no shortage of sodium-pumped delicacies waiting to be covered in Hot or Fire Sauce (or Mild, if you’re one of those people), before being shoved down your gullet. From time to time Taco Bell rolls out a new treat that’s so wonderful, so enticing that it’s too good for this world. Sometimes they’re local oddities, in other cases they’re national experiments that come and go in the span of a summer. Taco Bell may be the greatest fast food restaurant in the universe, but they’ll never win our undying love until they bring back these obscure menu items.
1. Chili Cheese Burrito
A simple delight amongst Taco Bell fanboys everywhere, the Chili Cheese Burrito is exactly what it sounds like – a flour tortilla filled with weird fake chili and melted cheese. The Bell brings this delicacy back to its menu every couple of years, but it should be a mainstay for those of us who like to take a late night trip to Chili Town. It’s long been rumored that some TBs keep the ingredients for a Chili Cheese Burrito on hand just in case someone has an off-menu order. To find out if your local Bell is one of these hotspots just saunter up to the counter and ask, “Can I get a first class ticket on the Chili Express?” They’ll know what to do.
2. The Volcano Slop Beefer
Who could forget this tour de force in a unique red taco bowl? Three ladles of the Bell’s patented “meat slop” dusted with chili powder and topped with extra cheese slop – was there any better way to fill up on calories than to order a Volcano Slop Beefer with extra slop? Real Slop-Heads knew to ask for extra green mayonnaise to make their slop taste just right.
3. Grilled Stuft Guacamole
During the summer of ’97, the Bell rolled out one of the greatest modern condiments known to man – Grilled Stuft Guacamole, better known to Bell Heads as “green mayonnaise.” An anonymous employee who worked at TB during that glorious summer claims that Grilled Stuft Guacamole was made by mixing mayonnaise and avocado before being pumped into pre-rolled burrito and deep fried. Then, it was wrung out of the tortilla like water from a washcloth before being dolloped into tiny to-go portions.
There are a number of websites that claim to have recreated the majesty of green mayonnaise, but so far no one has been able to accurately capture the precise umami this sauce added to every meal.
4. Glen’s Crunch Stuft Caesar Seafood Nachos
Glen Thamorfern worked at the Bickering, Illinois Taco Bell for five years, beginning his career as a late night drive-thru jockey and ending it in a hail of gunfire after he attempted to stop a nacho cheese robbery. In that time he created one of the most exquisite meals known to mankind – The Crunch Stuft Caesar Seafood Nachos.
By using shrimp, whitefish, and any extra chum he had at home, Glen would fill a mixing bowl with his proteins before covering them with Caesar dressing and mixing it all by hand. Then he smothered the fish mix on top of a pile of tortilla chips before glazing them in nacho cheese. R.I.P Glen Thamorfern, a true American hero.
5. The Fully Loaded Cinnamon Lava Glopper
No trip to the Big Bell in ’96 was complete without chowing down on a Fully Loaded Cinnamon Lava Glopper. Was it dessert? Was it an entree? All bets are off during fourth meal. After slurping down the nacho cheese, cod, and chocolate puree held in a cinnamon sombrebowl, you could wear it like a hat until you were ready to get your next fill of the Glop.
This marks the end of our journey through the fable of Beavis and Butthead but fear not! This is only the beginning of your inner journey to understanding. Reading these lessons is only step one. Integrating these lessons into your life and even more importantly: watching the show, THIS is where your real journey begins. Oh, how jealous I am that I can not take your place in the start of your cosmic voyage!