You Can't Wait to Know This!

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You Can't Wait to Know This!

Let's Check-In With Jessica Simpson!

Jessica Simpson will go shopping sometime next week week at an outdoor mall in Century City. She'll purchase a huge black tote bag, so black it is almost navy blue. Then she will waltz into a craft store and cut snowflakes out of a fragile antique brocade, so valuable and pretty and rare that the salesgirl cries real tears onto the floor...the commission on the sale alone will pay for many generations of her family (yet to even be born!) to attend the career colleges of their choice. Or not.

Moments later, Jessica will walk through the plate glass window of the high end kitchen supply store, "Sur Le Tablė." The blood red melamine dinnerware of next seasons stock will be called "Platelets" a "must have," according to Elle Decor and a huge success for the family run business in Atacapia, Illinois that manufactures them.

Simpson will get a cut of the profits and continue being insanely rich, boring and dumber than a placemat.

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The Ins and Outs of Writing a Weekly Column

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The Ins and Outs of Writing a Weekly Column

Writing a column. From the outside it seems glamorous but when you’re in the middle of it there’s nothing more harrowing and nerve wracking. Currently I’m wrestling not only with what to write about this week but what I should be drinking while I do it and where I should type it up (these things are just as important as the actual writing). Some writers also have to deal with what to listen to while they work but I’ve slowly built a playlist of manuscript friendly music to guide me through the creative process (Rachmaninoff, Throbbing Gristle, Conway Twitty, Black Flag, etc.).

 

Although the sounds of my creative process are taken care of, there’s still the question of everything else that goes into writing a weekly column. Should I take a shower before I write? If so, how do I go about keeping my hair the perfect consistency of matted and soft (it usually takes a couple of days to achieve perfection)? Is it good for my computer if I write wet? The shower is definitely out.

 

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SAASH (Semi Above Average Super Heroes)

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SAASH (Semi Above Average Super Heroes)

I love movies.

But everything is too epic now.  People love comic book movies that have characters with crazy super powers that conquer evil in the end with some abnormal ability.  I want more movies like Mystery Men.  There’s no middle ground.  Either you’re super powerful and have to use your strength combined with others to defeat the enemy or you’re some joe schmo that has to find his inner strength.

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Thrift Shop Tech Review: Akai CR-81D 8 Track Stereo

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Thrift Shop Tech Review: Akai CR-81D 8 Track Stereo

Fuck you, Kill Pretty. Why can’t I sit at home and drink my whiskey in peace?

                        

I’m headed to the Goodwill in downtown because I think, “Fuck it. Today is just as good as any other to die,” and on my way I see an American Apparel billboard ad.

I don’t see why everyone talks so much shit on these ads. They’re like public porn appealing to the modern day pervert. In the masses. It’s great. Those giant billboards—aside from being the culprit to many a car accident—give the homeless something to jerk off to. 

 

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How I Fucked Your Mother

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Art by TV CAT

Art by TV CAT

I've been thinking a lot about how shitty How I Met Your Mother is recently. At work I’m forced to watch shows like this with laugh tracks by my zombie co-workers and it's so fucking unfunny you find yourself standing there with your jaw dropped like you’re watching old people argue about tattoos on Fox News.

The fact that garbage like this is one of the number one shows in America and the show had an average of 9.42 million viewers just for season 4 blows my mind. I mean I know people are dumb but you can tell even the actors hate their own show. You know $20,000 a week is considered a very low paying position acting on a sitcom? Don’t fool yourself, this is a paycheck for them. Nothing more.

I think the gap between audiences that watch Big Bang Theory instead of The Wire will get bigger and bigger until there are two classes of media junkies. The Smart People and The Dumb People.

At first it will be great. The Smart People will make awesome shit like Breaking Bad or Curb Your Enthusiasm and we can all ignore all The Dumb People channels. But the problem is The Dumb People will have funny shit that The Smart People wanna see. Eventually The Smart People think it's funny and ironic to imitate The Dumb People and The Dumb People will do the Scary Movie Six of Smart People movies until The Smart People are stuck loving The Dumb People shit and then The Dumb People keep making dumb shit until it's all just dumb.

Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (1992)

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Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (1992)

Few horror franchises are successful enough to make it past the 4<sup>th</sup> installment. Even fewer reach the double digits. Friday the 13<sup>th</sup> made it to 12, Halloween made it to 10, and both Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street dropped out at 9 (so far). Few people realize how close the Amityville franchise is on this list. Since the remake, 9 Amityville films have been made (not counting Bloodbath at the House of Death, a Amityville spoof). While most people shrug off sequels, one strange thing stands out about this list. Each franchise held their own (ignoring the remakes) and created a bounty of quality sequels. You can pop in any volume of Nightmare on Elm Street (again, besides the remake) and you will be entertained and surprised! Well Amityville 1992 falls right in these footsteps. With some first class horror movie acting and a genuinely scary story, It’s About Time still stands as my favorite in the series, and it’s number SIX!

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Thoughts on Re-Animator, Lovecraft, and Teenage Obsession

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Thoughts on Re-Animator, Lovecraft, and Teenage Obsession

As a latchkey kid coming of age in an incredibly unstable household in the early 90s I gravitated toward the spooky, the strange, and the macabre. Lunch time discussion with my twisted chums rarely ascended above who had seen the goriest film or read the creepiest story over the weekend. Andrew Guthrie, all red hair and freckles, tended to lord over the conversation with spot on retellings of Hellraiser 2 and Stephen King’s “Tommy Knockers.” Soon, 6th grade turned to 7th and Andrew moved away, leaving me with a hole of horror to fill.

 

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Trick Or Treat

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Trick Or Treat

I’m one of those idiots who never misses an opportunity to incessantly speak about my childhood growing up in the epitome of white picket fence small town mid-west. I also have a definite colorful case of White Girl Syndrome that really tends to rear it’s ugly head in autumn and probably isn’t going away any time soon, so of course I have extremely vivid memories of Halloween.

 

The first Halloween I remember was in 1997. I was in the first grade and I remember sitting next to my nemesis and fellow brownie scout Jessica Lambursky, who happened to be really fucking jazzed on the fact that she was going to dress up as Posh Spice for our class Halloween Party after recess. She was going to wear her older sister’s belly shirt crop top and a metallic skirt and she kept taking it out of her book bag and showing everyone on the bus.

 

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A Daydream of Death Hungry Fiends

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A Daydream of Death Hungry Fiends

I was sitting in a coffee shop in Hollywood waiting on an actor that was running late thanks to a bout with food poisoning (it’s a dangerous thing having breakfast at Denny’s) and it struck me that America could do with a new serial killer. What began as a crass thought while eavesdropping on the conversation of a group of very fit solipsists turned into something very real and nostalgic.

 

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