Fuck You, Kill Pretty! Also, Love You
WOW - ever since Kill Pretty put out a call for a new president we’ve gotten some buck-wild responses, including our first official rejection letter.
How To Milk Yourself (Even As A Non-Lactator!)
Did you know you can milk yourself even without becoming pregnant? It’s true! And you can start today with Kill Pretty’s essential guide on how to self-milk. You might be wondering, why milk yourself? Besides the fact that it’s really fun, colostrum (the precursor to breast milk) is full of antibodies, proteins, vitamins and minerals that can heal most anything.
6.66 Things You Didn't Know Palantir Knows About You
Now that most of us are starting to realize we live in a surveillance state (we’ve actually been here for quite awhile, but welcome to those just figuring this out!), it’s time to start asking, what DOES Palantir know about us?
Don’t you worry! Kill Pretty has put together a short list for you of 6.66 things you didn’t know that they know, but they do. And now you know too - you’re welcome.
Which hand and household appliance you masturbate with.
The exact Pantone of your asshole.
GPS coordinates of the last known location of your dignity.
Your most shameful Uber Eats delivery. (you know the one)
Your lowest bowling score.
Your new god.
.66 - Bad Bunny is cool but have you checked out the Antichrist?
KZAM GTB Interview!
Kill Pretty: What’s your earliest graffiti memory?
KZAM: I had a little marker, and I remember just drawing anarchy signs all over the neighborhood. I'd never done graffiti before that, but that's the first time that I remember doing it. I grew up in Palo Alto area and saw a lot of ORFN and stuff like that, MARVL. I actually met ORFN and he gave me a Pilot when I was tagging in the tunnel at the Palo Alto train station with a Sharpie, and he came up and he... I forget what I even wrote back then, but he came up and saw me with this little tiny Sharpie, and gave me a big Pilot, and he hit up ORFN and I was like "Oh, shit!" I'd seen him everywhere. And it was kind of cool to meet him in person. But honestly I was like 11, 12 years old.
Bert Kreischer Drinks Blood (and other stories too insane to believe!)
Kill Pretty: I want to start this interview off with one of my favorite stories of yours. Can you tell me the story of the goat throat slitting?
Bert: That was on Trip Flip. We went into the Messiah's Village, I forgot about that. Going to the Messiah’s Village and we come in a helicopter and literally the whole village, they've never seen a helicopter in their life. They’re like, “What the fuck?” and we just step off like gods. In my head thinking of these big thoughts like, “Can I conquer these people?” They've never even seen a cellphone. Then a guy with the chief comes up and he’s got a goat on a string and he’s like [Foreign language] I'm like, “I'm Bert.” He’s like “Are you famous?” I was like, “Yes, very.”
Chandler Burton From Issue Six
You don’t think we forgot about skateboarding do you? Issue six features a great talk with queer indie skater Chandler Burton. We talk skating in drag, skateboarder crushes, and Burton’s ever evolving style. Check out the preview below and pick up the magazine for the full interview complete with photos by Nick Weber.
An Excerpt From Our Interview With Henry Zebrowski
KP: How did you first get involved with Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell?
HZ: I just auditioned for it. As an actor I think a lot of people think we all sit and I have a pile of scripts and I get to just go through shit and be like, “This one’s great, this one’s going to hurt my reputation”. But no, you just take whatever is fed to you like a seal. Then like a seal we’re trained to perform with electric shock. I went and auditioned for the show. I actually auditioned really early and I didn’t hear anything for two months so I figured it was over. Then I got a call back in LA. I walk in and it’s the first time I’m in a room with Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. I go in and I meet Chris Kelly and Dave Willis (the creators) and we just kind of hit it off. I started going off script and they liked that. I knew the vibe they were going for which is Aqua Team vibe, which is really insane circumstances with really casual banter, humor. I just picked up on that and I was just lucky. This is just the type of show that if I saw another dude doing this show I’d fucking kill him in his sleep and take his place.
An Excerpt From Kill Pretty's Interview With Gingerbread Man From Issue 4
Gingerbread Man is everyone’s favorite gangster cookie. Hailing from fresco with three full length albums and laundry list of celebrity endorsements, there’s no stopping this shit talking, coke snorting candy rapper. Tyler caught up with this legit cookie rapper and learned how much coke this pastry man snorts and found out exactly how someone made from sugar and flour goes to the bathroom.
The Saucer by Steve Torres
Maybe you come to Kill Pretty for the graffiti. Maybe you crack the spine for the skateboarding and celebrity interviews, but along the way you’re going to read something by one of our writers about being abducted by the Teletubbies and having sex with all of them. That’s just the way it goes. Steve Torres reports to us from Parts Unknown.
How To Contribute To Kill Pretty
So you’ve been reading Kill Pretty for years. You spend all your hard earned cash on the print issue and you’re not really sure what the publishing schedule for the online version is but you know you like it, or at the very least you tolerate its existence. But isn’t there something missing from Kill Pretty? Aside from a more regular schedule and, I don’t know, more nudity. It’s you dum-dum! Do you write personal essays that your mom would disown you if she read them? Do you illustrate weird cartoons that would get you interred in Shutter Island? A third thing that’s also weird and fits in the format of a website? Then send it over!