How to Beat Depression If You’re A Complete Piece of Shit
Do you ever get down, sad or just lonely? Some people call it depression, my mom would just say ‘quit being a pussy like your father.’ I’ve been studying depression on myself for quite sometime and with the help of a cheating whore ex girlfriend – I hate you Rista! (K has been removed to protect that cheating whore). While there’s no cure for it, there are a few methods I would recommend before you decide to tie that belt around your ceiling fan like a man and make your Nanna cry when she comes home from church.
Five Cryptids You’ve Never Heard Of Who I Wish Would Stop Dating My Mom
It’s not that my mother and I have the best relationship. We don’t. It’s fine. Sometimes we talk once a week, and then I’ll just go months without speaking to her. It’s not a malicious thing, we just don’t have anything to say to one another. Speaking to my mom is like finding Bigfoot, the harder I try the less I hear from her. Inevitably, when I do get her on the phone she’s always got some new - and I’m not being malicious when I say this - creature in her life. These Sasquatch adjacent creeps fly in from the sky, or the woods of the Pacific Northwest and shack up with my mom for a while before doing what a cryptid does best and vanishes into the mist.
My mom has dated her fair share of UFO flying weirdoes and Loch Ness Monster wannabes, but there are five creatures from her past that really take the cake. Literally, one of them stole a cake from her. Who does that?
Five Obscure Taco Bell Items That Need To Come Back
Taco Bell, the purveyors of fourth meal, feeders of stoners, teens, and stoned teens everywhere have no shortage of sodium-pumped delicacies waiting to be covered in Hot or Fire Sauce (or Mild, if you’re one of those people), before being shoved down your gullet. From time to time Taco Bell rolls out a new treat that’s so wonderful, so enticing that it’s too good for this world. Sometimes they’re local oddities, in other cases they’re national experiments that come and go in the span of a summer. Taco Bell may be the greatest fast food restaurant in the universe, but they’ll never win our undying love until they bring back these obscure menu items.
The Five Best Hangover Cures To Try In Your 30s
I hate to be the person to break the news to you, but you’re getting old. If you’re like me, you’re well into your 30s, and you can’t drink like the young dum-dum you once were. Whether you’re double fisting tall boys all night, or day drinking rosé with your crew, you’re going to be suffering the next day. The easiest way to make sure you don’t have a hangover is to stop drinking, but we both know that’s not going to happen. So until you suddenly become responsible, or die from a liver explosion, here are the best ways to get rid of the pounding in your head and the rumbling in your stomach.
New Year’s Resolutions From The Staff Of Kill Pretty
Around this time every year the freaks, weirdoes, and ne’er do wells of Kill Pretty find themselves in a pickle. With the new year right around the corner we have to make some kind of resolution, some kind of offer up to old man time that we’ll better ourselves. Here’s what the Kill Pretty staff is thinking about changing in the coming year.
For Thanksgiving I’m Having Stuffed Gorilla
It’s not hard to buy a gorilla. With the internet things are so easy you just point and click and then a week later there’s a guy asking you to sign for your giant refrigerated box that has a giant dead gorilla inside. Things are easier now. Only 10 years ago I would have had to go to a zoo and kill my own gorilla, now they’re just available on Amazon.
Get It Right! Five Must Have Candies For Every Trick Or Treater
Do you smell that? The apple cider in the air? Do you hear the rustle of plastic masks outside your door? No? That’s because everyone knows that you have the worst candy on the block. You might as well be giving out pennies, that’s the kind of scum that your neighbors think you are. If you want to be able to look the neighborhood kids in the eye tomorrow while you clean the toilet paper from your trees you better buy the good stuff. Thank Christ we’re here to tell you what to do.
Give It To Me: Five Ernest Movies I’d Like To See Right Now
If you’re like me, meaning a person who grew up in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s (which statistically you’ve got to be somewhere in that big ass ball park) then you spent an inordinate amount of time watching movies featuring one Mr. Ernest P. Worrell. You watched as he was “scared stupid” and as he was incarcerated for crimes which he didn’t commit. His film work faded out as children grew callous and tired of this man-child’s adventures, but I feel that it’s time Ernest make a come back and these are the flicks I’d like to watch in the theater, at home on my VCR, and through the windows of my most beautiful neighbors.
Call Satan Live Ep. 7 - Pentagram Corn
The LAST of the harvest moon night! This last guy at the end is a little too evil even for the dark lord! We got a lot of souls on this one! Take a listen...
Possessed Zine Review and Interview
Kill Pretty had a booth at the San Diego Zine Fest and largely went unnoticed. Zine Fairs these days are mostly artists with collections of their art in zine format or comic book artists. Long gone are the days of punk kids with weirdo zines spouting their homegrown philosophy...or so we thought.