How To Milk Yourself (Even As A Non-Lactator!)

Did you know you can milk yourself even without becoming pregnant? It’s true! And you can start today with Kill Pretty’s essential guide on how to self-milk.

You might be wondering, why milk yourself? Besides the fact that it’s really fun, colostrum (the precursor to breast milk) is full of antibodies, proteins, vitamins and minerals that can heal most anything. Imagine being at a standard-issue off-label Burning Man party with a stye in your eye (ew! ow!) and a hippie girl approaches you with a radical solution.

That’s how I ended up high out of my mind in a travel trailer that fateful night milking myself into a water bottle cap. It took work, self-milking is not a casual endeavor, but I succeeded, put that milk right in my eyehole - the next morning, the stye was gone!

The easiest way to prime those titties is to get around babies, it will send a message to your milk-makers to get busy. Shockingly, there were no babies at this late-night outdoor drug party, so I pulled up a video of a crying baby to get myself going. Lube is essential for this endeavor, which I didn’t have, so I had to spit on it - a lot. They gotta be wet to get wet if you know what I mean.

If you’re already beating your meat please try to contain yourself, there are many different websites for that which are not this one. You have to stimulate production, which can take like 20-30 minutes. This is not a 4-minute trip to PornHub, this is a journey up the mountain of hidden human experience, so have some patience while you’re working it.

Now, the nipple (and I suggest you pick one) needs to be treated like both a dick and a pussy, cause you want to get it wet and rub it, but you also gotta jerk it off. Those of you who have experience with exotic genitalia will be better equipped for this endeavor. There will be a period of time where you’re not sure if you’re succeeding or if it’s just the lube - keep going!

Colostrum has a pretty thick consistency and a yellowish tint, so you’ll know it when you see it start to express. You’re not going to get much out, so don’t be discouraged - it’ll be enough to prove to yourself you can do it, to put on an injury or to squeeze right into the mouth of your eager pay-pig.

And! Self-milking is an all-inclusive activity! It works best if you have high estrogen levels, but dudes and Gentle-them, that shouldn’t stop you from giving it the ol’ college try. And if you do, we want to hear about it. Send your milking tales to sup@killprettymagazine.com!