I Want To Do Nothing

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I Want To Do Nothing

Ten years ago I didn’t think twice about spending all day stoned on the living room floor of my apartment while whatever movie marathon on the Syfy channel played. Today, if I decide to cruise the streets of San Andreas for a couple of hours on a Saturday I can feel the Grim Reaper hanging over my shoulder. When I turn to plot my escape I see his hollow eyes filled like double barrelled shotguns that shoot semi-automatic machine guns with bullets made of flamethrowers. With an arsenal like that there’s no way that I’ll achieve my dream of living forever.

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I'm Finally Going To Do It: This Year, I'm Going To Kill Santa

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I'm Finally Going To Do It: This Year, I'm Going To Kill Santa

I saw mommy kissing Santa. It’s not just a clever song lyric, it’s my life. I was nine years old the first time I saw the big man in red grasp the back of my mother’s beehive hair-do and plant his lips on hers. She and my father were still legally married at that point. I didn’t know but they were legally separated, who knows how long things had been going south. We keep things from our children to try and save them from the pain of the adult world, but where there’s damage to be done damage will be done.

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Terrible Fucking Advice with Murdock St. James: Holiday Edition

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Terrible Fucking Advice with Murdock St. James: Holiday Edition

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Christmas card with 10 festive sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

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How You Can Help The War On Christmas

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How You Can Help The War On Christmas

Every year, cries about the war on Christmas spring up from the furthest reaches of the Internet (Facebook). Baptist mothers worry that the spirit of Christmas has been devalued, that there’s a war on the holiday, that it shouldn’t even be referred to as a “holiday,” and should instead just be called Christmas. As crazy as a war on Christmas sounds, it’s actually true. We’ve been deftly grinding holiday cheer into the ground for years out of spite and now we need your help.

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Five Christmas Traditions That Your Step-Father Roy Isn’t Telling You About

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Five Christmas Traditions That Your Step-Father Roy Isn’t Telling You About

Roy’s been living with your mother for seven years even though they’ve been married for five. Everything about his lanky body and ape-like posture rub you the wrong way, but really it’s the way he celebrates Christmas that turns you off. You definitely hate the way he makes everyone open their presents one by one, and how he insists on wearing a Santa hat and beard and shoving a bowl full of jelly down his shirt when he hands gifts out, but there are five Christmas traditions that he keeps to himself, and for good reason.

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Tis The Season

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Tis The Season

On days like this it’s impossible to stay inside. Just try it. Something will force you out. To confront the ball of fire that sits in the sky like a cigarette burn with hell behind it. So I go outside to go inside. I go into the tunnels under the city where it’s dark. Pitch black in fact. It’s my way to escape while also giving in. I would say that the sun feels good on my skin but that would be a lie. Not on a day like today. Today it burns. It burns in mid December because Los Angeles.

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The Kill Pretty Holiday Gift Guide

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The Kill Pretty Holiday Gift Guide

This, dear readers, is not a drill. The holidays are here and there are only 14 shopping days left until Christmas, Hanukkah is already underway, and while Kwanzaa starts a day after Christmas you’ll need a time machine if you want to make that extra day really count. If you’re at a loss for what to get the people in your life during a pandemic you’re not alone. Buying gifts for someone who’s stuck inside for an nebulous amount of time might sound hard, but that’s because your brain has atrophied and every ounce of holiday cheer has been squeezed out like some sort of fruit that has juice in it and can be squeezed. My brain is doing fine, and that’s why you need me to instruct you in the ways of gift giving.

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Top 5 Movies to Watch in the Trunk of a Car

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Top 5 Movies to Watch in the Trunk of a Car

We’ve all been there at least once. You’re minding your own business, walking home from your trip to the gas station bathroom, when someone jumps out of a car and bags your head from behind. Maybe they use rope or maybe they use zip-ties, but they restrain you and chuck you into the rear storage compartment of a ‘97 Ford Mustang. Personally, I think I’ve been curled up in this particular trunk for nearly thirty minutes and I’m starting to get pretty bored. I’m gonna watch some movies on my phone or something, and I’ll let you guys know which are my favorites. God I hope someone is reading this right now.

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All I Want For Christmas Is To Beat My Dad’s Ass

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All I Want For Christmas Is To Beat My Dad’s Ass

Mom, Dad, assorted friends and family, and anyone else who may be reading this, I know that 2020 has been a hard year. We’ve all faced hardships, illness, and the knowledge that our country is no longer the great bastion of democracy that we once thought it was. As we enter the holiday season, a time for togetherness and cheer, I want us to set aside our differences so that we can be with one another and give the kinds of gifts that we’ll remember for a lifetime. No, I’m not talking about money or a new set of pajamas (Aunt June!), what I really want this Christmas is simple, and it costs nothing. I want to beat my dad’s ass.

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