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KILL PRETTY
Blog
Shop
Articles
PREVIEW
About
Call Satan Live
SUBMIT!
Blog
Shop
Articles
PREVIEW
About
Call Satan Live
SUBMIT!

Employee Of The Month (An Excerpt From Issue 5)

articleBuy Itfunnykill pretty news
May 25
Written by Nacho
a page from kill pretty issue five featuring Brian Thompson
kill pretty magazinekill prettyemployee of the monthworkjobsfunny
Nacho
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Previous

Five Times I Accidentally Watched An Al-Qaeda Beheading Video Instead Of Stranger Things
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Next

Some Of My Favorite Squibs
Featured
Cumshot Wound - STDalton (Official Music Video)
Nacho
Cumshot Wound - STDalton (Official Music Video)
Nacho

Our favorite punk band just dropped this sick new video. If you haven’t seen Cumshot Wound live it’s a MUST! They put on a freaky ass show! Watch the video and follow them NOW! Even Been-Jammin’ Franklin loves it!

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Nacho
God Found Herself Thru ‘Jackass’
Molly
God Found Herself Thru ‘Jackass’
Molly

If the point of life is for the Creator to experience everything, could 'Jackass' be humanity's pinnacle expression?

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Molly
New Kill Pretty Shirts
Nacho
New Kill Pretty Shirts
Nacho
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Nacho
Fuck You, Kill Pretty! Also, Love You
Molly
Fuck You, Kill Pretty! Also, Love You
Molly

WOW - ever since Kill Pretty put out a call for a new president we’ve gotten some buck-wild responses, including our first official rejection letter.

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Molly
How To Milk Yourself (Even As A Non-Lactator!)
Molly
How To Milk Yourself (Even As A Non-Lactator!)
Molly

Did you know you can milk yourself even without becoming pregnant? It’s true! And you can start today with Kill Pretty’s essential guide on how to self-milk. You might be wondering, why milk yourself? Besides the fact that it’s really fun, colostrum (the precursor to breast milk) is full of antibodies, proteins, vitamins and minerals that can heal most anything.

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Molly
6.66 Things You Didn't Know Palantir Knows About You
Molly
6.66 Things You Didn't Know Palantir Knows About You
Molly

Now that most of us are starting to realize we live in a surveillance state (we’ve actually been here for quite awhile, but welcome to those just figuring this out!), it’s time to start asking, what DOES Palantir know about us?

Don’t you worry! Kill Pretty has put together a short list for you of 6.66 things you didn’t know that they know, but they do. And now you know too - you’re welcome.

  1. Which hand and household appliance you masturbate with.

  2. The exact Pantone of your asshole.

  3. GPS coordinates of the last known location of your dignity.

  4. Your most shameful Uber Eats delivery. (you know the one)

  5. Your lowest bowling score.

  6. Your new god.

    .66 - Bad Bunny is cool but have you checked out the Antichrist?

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Molly