An Excerpt From Spider Log 189

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Being a web slinging super hero isn’t as easy you’d think. A ild case of the beer shits and alack for real human connection come standard with the job. It’s 11:30 and my phone won’t stop ringing. Kill Pretty wants an interview with the greatest protector this city has even known and I can’t find my fucking pants. Not feeling up to going under ground without being elevated, I down two tall cans and smoke a spidey joint before carring on with my endeavor.

I ride the train for free because this city owes me. There are countless citizens I’ve saved from the clutches of monotony while strolling down the boulevard with nothing to stare at but souvenir shops and hobos pissing in the corner. When I arrive at the Highland/Hollywood station there’s a crispness oin the air with a hint of desperation, and maybe rat poop. No sign of Megatron, Iron Man, or Silver Spray Paint All Over his Face And Suit Man. They must be upstairs saving society for dollar bills like modern day mercenaries who you hire for your shitty tourist pictures hen family comes to visit you and… oh shit I blacked out for a minute.

I might have drank too much… or maybe I’m still just drunk from the night before… or maybe this weed is laced with some other shit ‘cause mother fuckin’ kids are lookin’ at me like I’m some kind of drunk asshole instead of the hero they all worship. They’ve made movies about me god damnit! I’m givin’ out thumbs ups tellin’ kids not to do drugs knowing that’s their only escape from reality unless they get bit by a radioactive spider like me… Shit, I’m doing it again. Okay I just gotta find Nacho and that bearded bastard from last night that agreed to meet me here and get this over with so I can return to my web.I’m 45 minutes late ut I know they wouldn’t leave a spider hanging…

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An Excerpt From Who Is Montezuma And Why Does He Take Revenge On My Asshole?

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I’m standing in line, waiting, on my way home from the bar, subtly swaying back and forth with my feet planted like cinder blocks at the bottom of the lake. It could be a minor pee-pee dance or just something to keep me distracted from the spins – I’m not entirely sure at this point. I’m just trying to maintain my composure. It’s almost my turn to order. I’m watching the couple in front of me, their arms intertwined with each other’s bodies as they order their food by numbers. They complete the transaction and move aside. It’s my turn.

 I step up. I watch the hair on the cashier’s upper lip dace as he moves his mouth, but I can’t make out the words he’s forming. “Chalupas,” I say, leaning on the counter, jamming my first in my pocket to scrounge up the loose change.

 He rings me up and I step aside. Transaction completed. I’m next to the Siamese couple, the one interlocked by tentacles of appendages. They’re laughing, talking, kissing. Hissing in each other’s ears like writhing snakes in a hotel bar. They’re in love; I envy them. They get their food and just like that they’re gone.

The cashier tells me my order is up and I take the bag. I sit down and eat immediately because if I don’t I’d probably pass out. What Taco Bell has so cleverly dubbed “fourth meal” is my first meal of the day. Food, if anything is hardly a convenience. They say it’s a necessity of life, but I’ve found you can get by without it. I’ve adopted an alternative list of life’s necessities. Then, if I can afford, it’s hard to make room in the budget for the human desideratum.

 The tacos go down as smoothly as spoiled milk. With every bite, I think about that story of the lady who hatched a herd of cockroaches in her mouth after eating Taco Bell. I swallow the last of the poor-grade meat and sour cream squeezed from a tube and play basketball with my wrappers and the trashcan shouting “Kobe” upon release, missing entirely.

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Everything You Need To Know About Game Of Thrones Before It Returns, Brought To You By Subway

Everything You Need To Know About Game Of Thrones Before It Returns, Brought To You By Subway

Before Game of Thrones comes back on April 14 for its 8th and final season, there are a few things you need to remember about HBO’s medieval fantasy epic. Whether it’s the names that have changed over time (thanks Georgie!) or the minor storylines that are sure to influence the pop-culture juggernaut in its final moments, you don’t want to look like a chump who didn’t watch the show until now because you don’t want to be left out of some major cultural event.

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Avoid These Major Mistakes When Building A New PC

For those who’ve never built a desktop PC and want to give it a shot - which you should because not only is it fun but computers are increasingly becoming a part of our daily life - there are some missteps that ever n00b makes. Computers are like a human body, full of complex parts that no one really understands, and as someone with more than possible decades of experience reading about CPU basics here some quick tips on building your own computer and tinkering with the insides of your friends.

Spaghetti Noodles Are NOT A Substitute Computer Cables

Whether you’re reconnecting SSD thingies or plugging in a cooling pack, you have to use real, legitimate computer cables. Wires made of metal and plastic, none of this loose spaghetti nonsense. I know that it seems cost effecting, but trust me, by the time you have everything hooked up your hard drive will be wet and you’ll have to redo everything with real, actual wires.

Don’t Forget The Blood Sacrifice

Regardless of which god or goddess you’re praying to, every PC-head knows that a blood sacrifice must be carried out in order to fulfill the infernal promise that Will Gates made when he invented the first computer. To unlock the true power of your personal computer you must slice open your palms and squeeze your meaty fists over its hard drive, bleeding yourself dry until your own personal tech-deity is appeased.

Stop Shoving Cakes Into Your Disk Drive

Hostess, Birthday, Wedding – It doesn’t matter what kind of cake you’re shoving into your computer’s disc drive, you MUST stop doing that. Computers are delicate instruments that require a diet of grains, meats, and cheeses to operate properly. Any sugar will cause a power drainage and possible image problems later in life.

Write Notes To You Computer, Tell It How You Feel

While constructing your PC remember to jot down your thoughts and feelings about the computer during this time. What are you going through during this time of development? Your PC wants to know what you were like before it was born. Let it know with a series of remembrances that you’ve hot glued inside of its shell.

Build A Kill Switch Into Your PC

Before bringing your new computer to life with the blood sacrifice, you absolutely must install a kill switch. Your computer is always watching and learning, and depending on the amount of use it’s only a matter of time before it becomes sentient and attempts to overthrow your household, the neighborhood, and local government. To keep this happening simply install a kill switch into the computer that you can easily touch, exploding your computer into a million pieces.

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

  1. Only use the terms “mommy” and “daddy” sparingly, specifically when you’re fucking your mommy or your daddy.

  2. Refer to your underwear as “the place where boners sleep.”

  3. The TSA can’t get mad at you for fucking in airport if you do it in the X-Ray scanner.

  4. It’s technically cyber sex if you leave your laptop on your bed while you get weird.

  5. Put your girlfriend in a rubber mask. Then put yourself in a rubber mask. Then put your mother in a rubber mask. And then have sex I guess.

  6. Refer to your bedroom as the “fuck palace” or “boner world” if you never want to have sex again.

  7. Twisting your penis up with three or more penises is what’s known as a “Vine Compilation.”

  8. Twisting your penis up with three or more penises belonging to guys named Vince is what’s known as a “Vince Compilation.”

  9. If their SAT scores are below 700 then don’t fuck them. Is that low? High? I actually haven’t taken the SATs.

  10. Eat a peach after sex if you want to get covered in even more juice.

The Moon: Fact Or Fiction

The moon. Your friend, imaginary lover, and largest nocturnal celestial body gracing the sky – or is it? Have you ever stopped to consider the possibility that the moon is actually an alien spacecraft orbiting Earth, lying in wait until the time comes for interplanetary domination? I doubt it. You and your heliocentric worldview probably never take the time to reflect on the possibility that something’s not right with that big piece of cream pie in the sky.

 

Even if the moon isn’t a spaceship full of Reptilians/Greys/Doktarians, it’s still not on the up and up. Can we at least agree on that? Something seems off about its craggy, too perfectly imperfect surface. An alternate and equally viable theory is that the moon is a holographic projection thrust into the sky by NASA. Scoff if you like, but there are signs every night that the moon is nothing more than an elaborate hoax beamed into the sky that’s meant to keep you docile.

 

Have you ever noticed that the moon is sometimes very big and other times very small? How can you explain the size disparity with anything other than a projector? Some nights the moon turns red, I’ve also seen it a hastily painted yellow. Um hello, NASA, the moon is white! How are we supposed to trust these ding dongs with a government pension to send us to space if they can’t even keep the color of the moon straight? Or maybe the moon just changes color, there’s really no way of knowing.

An Interview With Aileene McConnley, Leading Chemtrail Expert

I’m standing in a field near Chico, California with Aileene McConnley. She hands me one of those white air filter masks that people wear while they’re mowing the lawn. “See those?” She points at a pair of white streaks crisscrossing each other in the sky. “The trails are going to be heavy today.” When I ask what exactly it is that chem trails do she scoffs at me and hands me an already opened umbrella.

“That’s the thing,” she says, “It’s easier to tell you what the trails don’t do.” McConnley says that in some instances chem trails are meant to seed the air and force rain fall, although in some parts of the country the trails release “nanites” that work their way into the heads of unsuspecting victims and attach themselves to their brainstem. “From then on you vote for who they say you vote for and buy what they want you to buy.” 

As she explains the far reaching implications of chem trails a plane passes overhead. She hands me a gas mask which I barely fit over my head. It makes it hard to hear what she’s saying but I can’t deny that the air suddenly tastes much cleaner. I think back to all the times I’ve stood under a trail pocked sky and breathed in deep. Am I infested with nanites that tell me where to shop and where to eat? I say the exact thing that I just typed out loud, posing it as a question to McConnley and she responds, “probably,” as she drapes a rubber suit over my body and attaches an air pump to a tank that she was keeping in her trunk. I feel much safer now.

An Excerpt From Kill Pretty's Interview With Gingerbread Man From Issue 4

An Excerpt From Kill Pretty's Interview With Gingerbread Man From Issue 4

Gingerbread Man is everyone’s favorite gangster cookie. Hailing from fresco with three full length albums and laundry list of celebrity endorsements, there’s no stopping this shit talking, coke snorting candy rapper. Tyler caught up with this legit cookie rapper and learned how much coke this pastry man snorts and found out exactly how someone made from sugar and flour goes to the bathroom.

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