Immediately after I rail the second line of adderall the bartender, a lanky, hipster barber neck tattoo, leans in and yells, “Do it in the bathroom!” He has dreamy eyes but I yell back, “You’re sweet. Maybe later!” I give him a wink and spin around. It’s a bar in the financial district called The Straight Line. I’ve successfully found the most Wall Street white guy bar in Los Angeles in order to prep for my review of Vampires Kiss. I brought a baggie of crushed up adderall, some amyl nitrate, three condoms, paper clips and fake vampire teeth. I’m wearing some semblance of a suit that I could put together from Goodwill (The Kill Pretty budget leaves something to be desired.) I look like an extra in a bad Wolf of Wall Street sequel. I’m doing research, real journalism. Anything to rationalize my new found adderall habit.Read More
Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
1. From now until October 1 butts are to be referred to as a “Golden Corral” because they’re all you can eat.
2. Ear wax, is it lube? Maybe.Read More
Our first editorial meeting is some time around 8:45pm in the middle of the release party for issue five. For some reason we’ve decided to put out a supplementary magazine on the same night as the issue we’ve been working on for the past year, but that’s fine. Why wouldn’t we shoot ourselves in the foot? To write, edit, and print a magazine in one night (less really, maybe four or five hours) we’ve taken on additional staff members, none of whom I’ve taken the time to learn their names. They all know me. They bring me 3,000 word articles on samurai being “lit AF” and 50 word reviews of the entire oeuvre of Jeff Koontz.Read More
Regardless of how you feel about property and whether or not anything actually belongs to anyone, we can all agree that it’s not cool to go around stealing stuff - especially cars. On the whole, people need their cars to get back and forth from their jobs or to school, if that car’s stolen then the emotional and financial stress can be too much to bare for some people. However, there are a few completely acceptable circumstances in which you can steal a car.Read More
When I arrive at the theater I pass through a sea of people with mohawks and back patches that simply read “Danzig.” The singer’s directorial debut is supposed to be so bad it’s good, but how many so bad it’s good movies can there really be? I receive a wristband and frightened worker says “Whatever you do, don’t laugh.” Before I can question him I’m pushed through the doors of the theater and given the option of a $7 beer or taking an early seat. I opt to take my seat.Read More
KP: How did you first get involved with Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell?
HZ: I just auditioned for it. As an actor I think a lot of people think we all sit and I have a pile of scripts and I get to just go through shit and be like, “This one’s great, this one’s going to hurt my reputation”. But no, you just take whatever is fed to you like a seal. Then like a seal we’re trained to perform with electric shock. I went and auditioned for the show. I actually auditioned really early and I didn’t hear anything for two months so I figured it was over. Then I got a call back in LA. I walk in and it’s the first time I’m in a room with Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. I go in and I meet Chris Kelly and Dave Willis (the creators) and we just kind of hit it off. I started going off script and they liked that. I knew the vibe they were going for which is Aqua Team vibe, which is really insane circumstances with really casual banter, humor. I just picked up on that and I was just lucky. This is just the type of show that if I saw another dude doing this show I’d fucking kill him in his sleep and take his place.Read More
There are secret bars, and then there are secret bars. Bars so secret that it’s as if they were created simply to drive the most adventurous alcoholics mad – these are those bars, so drink up you lush.
1. The Knick Knack Shop
The owners of this Ventura hole in the wall say that they’re just a souvenir shop, but they’ve never kicked me out for drinking tall boys near their collection of antique nutcrackers.Read More