The first weekend of the 2022 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in Indio, California, has come and gone. It's dust in the wind, yesterday's news, a metaphor that people have stopped using. But there's still another weekend full of drugged out teens, expensive water, and influencers squeezing every drop of fame out of their final instagrammable moments. If you're throwing caution (and a shitload of money) to the wind to attend the second weekend of Coachella we've got some tips for you.

Give Yourself Over To The Orb

Deep in the gauzy haze of the Coachella fields floats The Orb. Who placed The Orb here and for what reason is immaterial. The only thing that matters is that one gives themselves over to the power of The Orb. With the knowledge of The Orb one is able to transcend their bodies, leaving behind concepts like "I" and "Me." The Orb also offers a VIP wristband to those who are judged to be worthy.

Do Not Speak To The Wizard

You'll want to speak to the wizard. He seems like a great guy and he turn your fantasies into reality, but the only reason he goes to Coachella is to scam chicks and get free drugs. If you're hopped up on the power of The Orb you may want to attempt to slay the Wizard, but it's not worth it. Just trust us on this.

Eat From The Tree Of Splendor

There are few things as pleasant as eating from the Tree of Splendor. Your wounds heal and your XP is maxed out for the entirety of the festival, but can you circumvent the ogre who routinely makes love to the tree? If not you may become the ogre's new bride.

Help Lydia Find Her Sister

Look, Lydia is a really nice girl and she just needs to find her sister. There may be a reward available if you complete this side quest.

Avoid The Noid

The Noid is back and he's hungrier than ever. Can you keep the hot Domino's pizza that you ordered away from this mythological trickster, or will you be one of the many who succumb to the malicious powers of The Noid over the second weekend at the Coachella Music Festival?