Resident expert Jacob Shelton knows just about everything about anything, and that’s why he’s the perfect person to review and consider the wide range of topics that are available in this strange, chaotic world.

The Cops - 0/10

To put it mildly, the cops are the worst. My acquaintances who skateboard and/or professionally bang their heads into concrete would say that cops “suck.” As rudimentary as that sentiment is I have to agree. Unlike some of my future topics (Bigfoot, drowning, hypnosis), there’s a hill of data, a mountain really, to back up the fact that the police are no good. You can’t see the data that I’m working with here but I beg you to believe me when I say that there are some big numbers backing me up.

There’s nothing good about the cops. They’re racist. They commit crimes seemingly at will, and they always look like giant toddlers whenever they put on their baggy faux SS outfits. I don’t care for the clothing and I don’t care for the people inside the clothing.

Do we need the police? Once again, my numbers say no. I feel like the citizens of the world can take better care of themselves without calling on the help of someone who graduated at the bottom of their high school class (no offense to my colleagues who barely scraped by in high school but who decided to enter the job force as something more important like a pizza delivery person or a ticket taker at a porno theater).

Police, consider yourself reviewed.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.