What Your iPhone Alarm Clock Ringtone Says About You by Greg Mania

Opening: This is the default iPhone ringtone, quiet and subtle: like you! You enjoy 

fostering a sense of community and love shoving your flagrant display of civic virtue in 

everyone’s face! 

Apex: You’re very career-oriented and liquidate assets before lunch. 

Chimes: You can ONLY achieve an orgasm if the song you’re having sex to is 

comprised of at least 80% woodwind instruments.