I Can't Wrap My Head Around New Chronology

In 2001 chess master Gary Kasparov claimed that he believed history isn’t actually history. It’s fiction. That year a loosely knit group of Russian conspiracy theorists began touting “New Chronology,” a theory that posits that everything that we think happened leading up to the Renaissance is a myth, created by a one world government to uh… well, to do something. No one is actually sure why there would be a global conspiracy to hide the possibility that England was once a part of the Russian Empire.

While I’m unsure of how this affects me directly, it nonetheless sends me into a downward spiral of second-guessing every choice I’ve ever made. Were my ancestors a part of a larger Russian empire? Is that why I ask for extra Russian dressing on my Reuben sandwiches? Or am I just one of those people who likes extra sauce? Does this explain my preference for pickles with fish? If I am from a secret lineage of Russian farmers then why can I not stand the cold? Have I been in Los Angeles for too long or is the concept of “New Chronology” an out and out lie?

Rather than finish the article after writing two paragraphs I decided to lie down and collect my thoughts. I ended up sleeping for 13 hours and in that time I’ve decided to create some new chronology of my own and forget about my possible ties to Russia, except for the Russian dressing. That’s one piece of history I think I’ll keep.