The Saucer by Steve Torres
Maybe you come to Kill Pretty for the graffiti. Maybe you crack the spine for the skateboarding and celebrity interviews, but along the way you’re going to read something by one of our writers about being abducted by the Teletubbies and having sex with all of them. That’s just the way it goes. Steve Torres reports to us from Parts Unknown.
How To Contribute To Kill Pretty
So you’ve been reading Kill Pretty for years. You spend all your hard earned cash on the print issue and you’re not really sure what the publishing schedule for the online version is but you know you like it, or at the very least you tolerate its existence. But isn’t there something missing from Kill Pretty? Aside from a more regular schedule and, I don’t know, more nudity. It’s you dum-dum! Do you write personal essays that your mom would disown you if she read them? Do you illustrate weird cartoons that would get you interred in Shutter Island? A third thing that’s also weird and fits in the format of a website? Then send it over!
An Excerpt From Our Interview With Nick Rutherford (Part Two)
Issue Six of Kill Pretty Magazine features a ridiculous amount of ink dedicated to one of the most intriguing TV shows of the last decade, Dream Corp LLC. We poked and prodded star Nick Rutherford until he told his life story. He’s a pretty good guy and we probably shouldn’t have poked him so much. Check out excerpts from his interview below and buy the magazine to read the rest.
An Excerpt From Our Interview With Fancy Lad
To read the full interview pick up issue 5, a thing you can do by clicking this link! Wow! HTML!
KP: How did Fancy Lad get started?
BIG: The name Fancy Lad came from me working at a cafe with Legs who I guess you could say is on the team but not really because he doesn't really skate anymore. Same with Vey. I wish they had full parts but it's impossible to get it out of them. I was working at this bakery with Legs and our manager Phil was, I don't know how to describe him besides he was very...let's say, pretentious and kind of a snob...a little prissy in ways. We used to call Phil, Fancy Lad Phil. We got that term from Cabin Boy, the movie with Chris Elliot. So I was working there and we were using that as a derogatory term for really rich, pretentious hipster people. We thought it was funny because we were gonna make this low-fi, really shitty looking, whatever it is video. We were making that video and we finished it and I pretty much had no ambitions at the time. I was filming Fiske who skated for Heroin and he wanted to edit his own part. We just ended up making that video and it was just an afterthought. We showed it to Arty who used to own Coliseum and he suggested just printing one graphic and seeing what happens. We actually printed that VHS graphic which is still our best seller today. So, I guess we got lucky that he decided to print that one.
An Excerpt From Who Is Montezuma And Why Does He Take Revenge On My Asshole?
I’m standing in line, waiting, on my way home from the bar, subtly swaying back and forth with my feet planted like cinder blocks at the bottom of the lake. It could be a minor pee-pee dance or just something to keep me distracted from the spins – I’m not entirely sure at this point. I’m just trying to maintain my composure. It’s almost my turn to order. I’m watching the couple in front of me, their arms intertwined with each other’s bodies as they order their food by numbers. They complete the transaction and move aside. It’s my turn.
Vampires Kiss - 1988
Immediately after I rail the second line of adderall the bartender, a lanky, hipster barber neck tattoo, leans in and yells, “Do it in the bathroom!” He has dreamy eyes but I yell back, “You’re sweet. Maybe later!” I give him a wink and spin around. It’s a bar in the financial district called The Straight Line. I’ve successfully found the most Wall Street white guy bar in Los Angeles in order to prep for my review of Vampires Kiss. I brought a baggie of crushed up adderall, some amyl nitrate, three condoms, paper clips and fake vampire teeth. I’m wearing some semblance of a suit that I could put together from Goodwill (The Kill Pretty budget leaves something to be desired.) I look like an extra in a bad Wolf of Wall Street sequel. I’m doing research, real journalism. Anything to rationalize my new found adderall habit.
Squeeze The Trigger From Kill Pretty Issue 6
Issue 6 of Kill Pretty may be our grimiest yet. Case in point: Squeeze The Trigger by gonzo photographer Richard Perkins and surrealist writer Jacob Shelton. With photos by Perkins and words by Shelton, this booze fueled look at the hidden world of slime beneath normal, every day America will shock and delight. Here’s a taste, but if you want to see the whole thing you’ve got to pick up the magazine.
Daniel Stessen Invites You To Check Out Dream Corp LLC
Dreamcorp LLC is one of the weirdest shows to ever drop onto broadcast television, if you slept on this show you seriously missed out. We spoke with the folks behind the series about their dreams, making TV on a small budget, and chopping off limbs. You know, normal stuff.
Help Us Shop For A Brick
On Fridays we tend to run a funny little article about criminals burning in hell or people pretending to puke but today it’s all business because we need help buying a specific brick. We can’t tell you what we’ll be using the brick for, but we can say that it needs to be dense, easy to lift, and heavy enough to crush someone’s head into a big pile of goo. Let’s shop!
Alex Jones Makes Extraterrestrial Contact By Barbarian 420
Y’all like comics? What about Alex Jones? Hell yeah you do. Check out this hilarious comic about Alex Jones from Barbarian 420 that you can find in issue six of Kill Pretty.
Steve Torres: Employee Of The Month
In every issue of Kill Pretty we highlight an Employee of the Month so you can see how things work behind the scenes at our office, and so you can can get to know the people who write this smut. Read a little about our employee of the month, Steve Torres, and check out the rest of our weird information about him in issue six of Kill Pretty.