Thrift Shop Tech Review: Akai CR-81D 8 Track Stereo

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Thrift Shop Tech Review: Akai CR-81D 8 Track Stereo

Fuck you, Kill Pretty. Why can’t I sit at home and drink my whiskey in peace?

                        

I’m headed to the Goodwill in downtown because I think, “Fuck it. Today is just as good as any other to die,” and on my way I see an American Apparel billboard ad.

I don’t see why everyone talks so much shit on these ads. They’re like public porn appealing to the modern day pervert. In the masses. It’s great. Those giant billboards—aside from being the culprit to many a car accident—give the homeless something to jerk off to. 

 

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How I Fucked Your Mother

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Art by TV CAT

Art by TV CAT

I've been thinking a lot about how shitty How I Met Your Mother is recently. At work I’m forced to watch shows like this with laugh tracks by my zombie co-workers and it's so fucking unfunny you find yourself standing there with your jaw dropped like you’re watching old people argue about tattoos on Fox News.

The fact that garbage like this is one of the number one shows in America and the show had an average of 9.42 million viewers just for season 4 blows my mind. I mean I know people are dumb but you can tell even the actors hate their own show. You know $20,000 a week is considered a very low paying position acting on a sitcom? Don’t fool yourself, this is a paycheck for them. Nothing more.

I think the gap between audiences that watch Big Bang Theory instead of The Wire will get bigger and bigger until there are two classes of media junkies. The Smart People and The Dumb People.

At first it will be great. The Smart People will make awesome shit like Breaking Bad or Curb Your Enthusiasm and we can all ignore all The Dumb People channels. But the problem is The Dumb People will have funny shit that The Smart People wanna see. Eventually The Smart People think it's funny and ironic to imitate The Dumb People and The Dumb People will do the Scary Movie Six of Smart People movies until The Smart People are stuck loving The Dumb People shit and then The Dumb People keep making dumb shit until it's all just dumb.

Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (1992)

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Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (1992)

Few horror franchises are successful enough to make it past the 4<sup>th</sup> installment. Even fewer reach the double digits. Friday the 13<sup>th</sup> made it to 12, Halloween made it to 10, and both Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street dropped out at 9 (so far). Few people realize how close the Amityville franchise is on this list. Since the remake, 9 Amityville films have been made (not counting Bloodbath at the House of Death, a Amityville spoof). While most people shrug off sequels, one strange thing stands out about this list. Each franchise held their own (ignoring the remakes) and created a bounty of quality sequels. You can pop in any volume of Nightmare on Elm Street (again, besides the remake) and you will be entertained and surprised! Well Amityville 1992 falls right in these footsteps. With some first class horror movie acting and a genuinely scary story, It’s About Time still stands as my favorite in the series, and it’s number SIX!

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Thoughts on Re-Animator, Lovecraft, and Teenage Obsession

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Thoughts on Re-Animator, Lovecraft, and Teenage Obsession

As a latchkey kid coming of age in an incredibly unstable household in the early 90s I gravitated toward the spooky, the strange, and the macabre. Lunch time discussion with my twisted chums rarely ascended above who had seen the goriest film or read the creepiest story over the weekend. Andrew Guthrie, all red hair and freckles, tended to lord over the conversation with spot on retellings of Hellraiser 2 and Stephen King’s “Tommy Knockers.” Soon, 6th grade turned to 7th and Andrew moved away, leaving me with a hole of horror to fill.

 

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A Daydream of Death Hungry Fiends

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A Daydream of Death Hungry Fiends

I was sitting in a coffee shop in Hollywood waiting on an actor that was running late thanks to a bout with food poisoning (it’s a dangerous thing having breakfast at Denny’s) and it struck me that America could do with a new serial killer. What began as a crass thought while eavesdropping on the conversation of a group of very fit solipsists turned into something very real and nostalgic.

 

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Fuck Pirates of the Caribbean

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Fuck Pirates of the Caribbean

NOTHING MAKES SENSE IN PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL!

 

 

-Why are the pirates clothes cursed?

The moon reveals the cursed pirates as decayed bone people, but why do their clothes change?  From, you know, piratey, to super ripped up.  Can they not change their clothes?  Or no matter if they change their clothes, the new outfit, in turn, becomes cursed?

-Why is the ship cursed?  

The pirates are cursed because they stole gold that was cursed.  I get it.  Why is the ship cursed?  The ship didn’t steal anything.  Even when the curse is lifted, the ship stays looking like shit.  I don’t think that’s very fair to the ship.

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Thrift Shop Tech Review: GE Tape Cassette Walkman

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Thrift Shop Tech Review: GE Tape Cassette Walkman

So Kill Pretty had this horrible idea of assigning me to a tech review column. When I told them I knew shit about technology—which they should’ve gathered, since Nacho had to explain to me in full detail, as if I were an intoxicated infant, how exactly Twitter worked—they came up with this idea of me reviewing vintage electronic equipment. So this is my initiation.                

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Hard To Die (1990)

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Hard To Die (1990)

As we all know, killer brain movies are a dime a dozen. We’ve all seen brains from outer space descend on a small town and a Rambo type character must swoop in to save the day. What puts “The Brain” in a different category than the hundreds of other killer brain movies is it’s a metaphor for being a teenager and the angst of being misunderstood in a brainwashed society run by television. Stupid parents and all their rules! Oh, it also has a huge fucking brain that eats naked girls!

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You Can't Wait to Know This!

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You Can't Wait to Know This!

Is Neil Patrick Harris Available? You Bet He is!

Omnipresent-Multi-Faceted-Ellen-Degeneresqe-But-Butcher-Than-Seth-MacFarlane-Will-Ever-Be-Powder-Puff-A-Gay-Gurrl Neil Patrick Harris has been tapped to emcee the 2015 Oscar Telecast.

What a deal for Neil! He really needs the exposure, doesn't he? The "versatile performer" (that's what the Hollywood Reporter called him) and "total power top" (that's what he calls himself) has only hosted a few awards shows in his flash in the pan, barely noticed career-reign over all of mass media. And by a "few" I mean four times at the helm of The Tonys and twice steering broadcasts of Oscar's mixed-race-adopted-sister-with Aspergers-and-a-food-allergy The Emmys. He even won four Emmys for his Tony Shows! So meta!

The Hollywood Reporter went on to gush breathlessly that he'll "also have a rooting interest in one of this year's awards hopefuls, since he's currently appearing in David Fincher's 'Gone Girl.' 

Said Harris, "It is truly an honor and a thrill to be asked to host this year's Academy Awards." (It's next years, Neeeeiiiiiil.) Then, because he isn't captured on film in every known medium, every single freaking day, he released a video on Twitter and talked some more; his voice forever rippling throughout the universe with a mesmerizing melodious hum, vibrating on radio waves that glittered like opals!

"I grew up watching the Oscars and was always in such awe of some of the greats who hosted the show. To be asked to follow in the footsteps of Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Ellen DeGeneres, and everyone else who had the great fortune of hosting is a bucket list dream come true." Girl. Get gone! Make some room on the stage for those other hungry queens waiting in the wings. I'm not talking about me! I've got this gig. I'm talking about Mario Cantone. Poor little thing got a half-scale day rate on 'The View.'

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How To Dress Appropriately Sexy on Halloween?

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How To Dress Appropriately Sexy on Halloween?

It's that time of year again, the leaves are refusing to change, the wind nips at an autumnal 62 degrees, and I have to sort out which sexy costume to wear to the Halloween parties whose invitations are stuffing my mailbox like a bag of garlic.

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Did you find everything okay?

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Did you find everything okay?

A few weeks ago, I woke up in one of my "disrupt the universe, fuck up the system" moods, which can start with eating a different type of cereal for breakfast and end with making the foreign guy at work profoundly uncomfortable by engaging him in a deep and an earnest discussion about my sex life.  This type of mood generally strikes me when I'm bored or constipated, or, heaven forbid, when I’ve managed to achieve both boredom and constipation.  

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