It's that time of year again, the leaves are refusing to change, the wind nips at an autumnal 62 degrees, and I have to sort out which sexy costume to wear to the Halloween parties whose invitations are stuffing my mailbox like a bag of garlic.
Ladies have it easy, each year they can tart it up by slapping on a pair of used fish nets and an extra smear of lipstick and say they're a sexy ghost or something of the sort and the first place prizes are doled out. I don't have it so easy. The last time I wore fishnets was at an ill fated showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. As I sashayed through the throng of Frankenfurters and Majors' I was not only scoffed at, but spat on, and harangued. The not so sweet transvestites poo pooed my choice of gold lamet bowler, suggesting that Columbia would never make such a fashion gaffe. My second hand heels were stolen from my feet and used as kindling on the bonfire that burned an effigy that looked eerily similar to me (although I don't remember my head being that large). I don't remember an effigy burning in the film, but I've never seen it all the way through so anything could be possible.
If men wish to appear as unfettered sexual beings it’s time they get used to the strict costume rubric that women have lived with since the advent of the packaged costume. I’ve walked through enough Halloween shops to know that there are a few basic costumes that one can pick up in a store. I don’t care for the standard “sexy construction worker,” or “sexy biker” so I’ve costructed a list of my own:
Warrior Poet - Women have the dominatrix and the librarian, I’ve taken it upon myself to combine the best of both of those outfits. Something not only aggressive but also intelligent and with the minimal about of fabric needed to defeat a public nuisance claim. What’s sexier than a heroic mercenary with the heart of Allen Ginsberg who’s also dressed as a shirtless native warlord?
Human Hot Tub - Everyone wants to party in a hot tub. Make sure that the party comes to you by heating yourself up, adding a variety of massaging jets, and underwater LED lights. Remember to clean out the filter on the morning of the 1st or you’re going to have a hell of a rental fee to pay.
Pack of Sexy Playing Cards - Not incredibly exciting but people will wonder where you found a life size playing card costume. Tell them or don’t, what do I care? I look horrible with my shirt off.
Quincy, The God of Hanging out at Parties - This should be easy enough. Show up wearing a sheet, a comfortable pair of crocs, matching sunglasses, and you can spend the evening munching on grapes and fighting off righteous babes. Since you’re a god and exist outside the constraints of time feel free to stay at the party for as long as you like to catch up on your shows, and rifle through your host’s drawers.
Even with these stellar options it’s hard to know what a man like me should do. It's obvious that I severely lack sex appeal, I would go so far to say that I'm violently opposite of sexy. Maybe a hip bag of potatoes or a fashionable sack of groceries is all that I’m worthy of pouring my body into. Happy Halloween, I guess.