Five Reasons To Kill Your Houseplants
There are a few things that you can buy to take your apartment to the next level: matching bookshelves, a bar cart, and a good houseplant, at least that’s what big Plant wants you to think. They may be beautiful, they may be luscious, and they may help cover that stain on your wall that won’t go away, but many houseplants are hardened criminals who want to squeeze every penny they can out of you. Let this be a warning to all would-be botanists out there: kill your houseplants.
How To Meet That Special Someone While Waiting In Line For The Vaccine
One of the most intriguing aspects of 2021 is the vaccine crush. Or work vaccine husband/wife/partner. This doesn’t have to be someone that you’ve explicitly shown up with. It can be anyone. Are you like the rest of adults aged 21 - 40 and desperately trying to get vaccinated before the summer? Have you been following the breadcrumbs of alleged extra vaccines to every Walgreens and Rite-Aid in a 50 mile radius? Are you also trying to get it on or maybe establish a genuine romantic relationship with someone while standing in a parking lot? If so, here are some tips for turning the vaccine spark into a roaring fire of love.
Five Things I Wish I Hadn’t Thrown In The Black Hole Behind My Mom’s House
As far as I can tell there was never a black hole behind my mom’s house, but there it was at the beginning of the pandemic. A black hole the size of a basketball hoop. I’m not a scientist or spaceologist but from what I can tell it’s been there for decades, maybe even hundreds of years, quietly expanding. I have to assume that the family who bought the house know about it, the small swirling vortex just past the back garden. You can’t miss it.
Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James: It's March!
Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a personalized Post-It with ten must-read sex tips. Let’s get to it.
I’m Making My Own Vaccine (sponsored by Taco Bell)
One year into the pandemic and it’s finally happening, I’m getting a vaccine. More to the point, I’m making my own vaccine with the help of the fine folks at Taco Bell. After months of back and forth with Yum Brands (of which Taco Bell is a subsidiary) I can finally announce that my personal vaccine will be available in three variations. But Jacob, you’re not a scientist. I know, that’s why my vaccine is going to be better than those available on the market at the moment. Dare I say that it’s going to rock? I do dare.
I'm Finally Going To Do It: This Year, I'm Going To Kill Santa
I saw mommy kissing Santa. It’s not just a clever song lyric, it’s my life. I was nine years old the first time I saw the big man in red grasp the back of my mother’s beehive hair-do and plant his lips on hers. She and my father were still legally married at that point. I didn’t know but they were legally separated, who knows how long things had been going south. We keep things from our children to try and save them from the pain of the adult world, but where there’s damage to be done damage will be done.
Terrible Fucking Advice with Murdock St. James: Holiday Edition
Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Christmas card with 10 festive sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
How You Can Help The War On Christmas
Every year, cries about the war on Christmas spring up from the furthest reaches of the Internet (Facebook). Baptist mothers worry that the spirit of Christmas has been devalued, that there’s a war on the holiday, that it shouldn’t even be referred to as a “holiday,” and should instead just be called Christmas. As crazy as a war on Christmas sounds, it’s actually true. We’ve been deftly grinding holiday cheer into the ground for years out of spite and now we need your help.
Five Christmas Traditions That Your Step-Father Roy Isn’t Telling You About
Roy’s been living with your mother for seven years even though they’ve been married for five. Everything about his lanky body and ape-like posture rub you the wrong way, but really it’s the way he celebrates Christmas that turns you off. You definitely hate the way he makes everyone open their presents one by one, and how he insists on wearing a Santa hat and beard and shoving a bowl full of jelly down his shirt when he hands gifts out, but there are five Christmas traditions that he keeps to himself, and for good reason.
Tis The Season
On days like this it’s impossible to stay inside. Just try it. Something will force you out. To confront the ball of fire that sits in the sky like a cigarette burn with hell behind it. So I go outside to go inside. I go into the tunnels under the city where it’s dark. Pitch black in fact. It’s my way to escape while also giving in. I would say that the sun feels good on my skin but that would be a lie. Not on a day like today. Today it burns. It burns in mid December because Los Angeles.
Top 5 Movies to Watch in the Trunk of a Car
We’ve all been there at least once. You’re minding your own business, walking home from your trip to the gas station bathroom, when someone jumps out of a car and bags your head from behind. Maybe they use rope or maybe they use zip-ties, but they restrain you and chuck you into the rear storage compartment of a ‘97 Ford Mustang. Personally, I think I’ve been curled up in this particular trunk for nearly thirty minutes and I’m starting to get pretty bored. I’m gonna watch some movies on my phone or something, and I’ll let you guys know which are my favorites. God I hope someone is reading this right now.