The Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival by Jacob Shelton
Everyone in the pork tent is dressed to the nines, or rather, their version of being dressed to the nines. From my vantage point near a slowly revolving al pastor cyclone I try to count the number of salmon bow ties, tweed suit jackets, and cool linen suits topped off with tennis shoes, but it’s a futile endeavor. Everyone is whispering about Alton Brown’s egg tutorial that’s taking place later in the evening. “He’s coming,” they say. When I was given a free ticket to cover the Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival I assumed it would be an easy in and out gig where I could cobble together a free dinner made up of slightly upscale street cart food, get drunk, and walk home, but instead I’m standing by a spinning tower of meat, and trying to find the clearest path to an exit. I’ll make something up once I get home. It’s not like I didn’t try to cover the festival. This just isn’t the place for me, and I’ve already used up my two drink tickets. None of the other writers covering the event seem to know where the gratis tent for journalists is hidden, and there are rumors floating around about someone from the LA Times being sent out on a stretcher after they were tasered within an inch of their life for bringing in a flask.
One Sentence Album Reviews by Jacob Shelton
Lorde – Melodrama
I heard that Lorde made a record executive eat a live rat before she would sign her contract. Cool.
10 Rules for Being Trash By Sean Conforti
10. Make sure that your car is an ecosystem. Coffee cups, moldy mason jars, sun-bleached parking passes, a small beetle infestation. The beetles, or something like them, are key. You want shit crawling on people who enter your car, because then they are also trash, and you are not alone. One of us, one of us, one of us.
Drug Slang for the Week of August 20-26
Each week, Rocko D. writes into Kill Pretty to let the audience know about the newest slang for buying, taking, and dealing drugs. While we at Kill Pretty don’t condone Rocko D.’s lifestyle, we do appreciate the space he fills on our site, and his desire to keep you - our customers - safe.
A Joke by Nick Murray
A struggling trio group of musicians decide to self-inflict a handicap to heighten their other senses and improve their playing. The first member gouges out his eyeballs. The second member cuts off his ears. The third member slices off his ball sack. The first two members get mad at number three for not following the instructions correctly. However, after having attempted to play music upon their first set as a maimed trio, it appears that player three is the only one to have progressed...and not just by a little, tenfold.
When you're not the Popular Roomate Anymore By Brian Thompson
I’ve lost the reign of “King Swinging Dick” in my household. We all live in a huge house together and I was once the golden child of my 14 roommates lives when I came home. They were like hungry little puppies yearning for attention and lapping up every stupid story I would bring home. What was work like? Who was that girl you brought over last week? Can you drive me to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled?
Floating Eyes Under Los Angeles
I paint graffiti. I paint graffiti but not in a way you’d expect. Instead of hitting the streets, tagging my name on walls and billboards I go underground. Many people don’t know this but Los Angeles, as well as every city, has tunnels running under it. No, these aren’t sewers carrying LA citizens precious excrement away from their toilets, these are the tunnels that take rain water from the mountains and bring it to the sea. So I go into these tunnels, underground, and I paint.
Drug Slang for the Week of July 2-8
Each week, Rocko D. writes into Kill Pretty to let the audience know about the newest slang for buying, taking, and dealing drugs. While we at Kill Pretty don’t condone Rocko D.’s lifestyle, we do appreciate the space he fills on our site, and his desire to keep you - our customers - safe.
GUESS: Is it Iced Cold Brew or a Jar of Tobacco Spit?
We had the whole staff chew dip for a week and all spit into the same jar. We threw ice in the jar and had a professional photographer shoot the jar. Can you guess which jar contains cold brew and which contains tobacco spit?? FUN!
For a Moment I was a Ghost By Jacob Shelton
There are people spilling into the street; the sidewalk is overflowing with kids smoking Camels and drinking Miller High-Life. I say kids, but they could be my age, maybe they’re older, but I doubt it. It doesn’t matter; they’re having the kind of fun that has an undercurrent of frenetic youth. For some reason I don’t feel comfortable ordering an Uber on a street like this, full of people with multi-colored hair drinking cheap beer, this is how Troma movies begin. I tell Tyler that I’m going to walk a few blocks and order a car.
The 10 Commandments of Dating in 2017 by Brian Asssmasher Thompson
Diving back into the dating world after three years was the proverbial equivalent of diving off the Bay Bridge in December into the frigid waters below. It’s an ice-cold electronic world out there and I’m just an out of touch fisherman trying to reel in the big catch with out catching fish herpes or getting scales on my dick.
Drug Slang for the week of June 25 - July 1st
Each week, Rocko D. writes into Kill Pretty to let the audience know about the newest slang for buying, taking, and dealing drugs. We’re not saying that we like what Rocko D. does, but we need content.