The following is an excerpt from Jacob Shelton’s monthly newsletter “DeBaser,” which goes out to friends and family and assorted people who’ve given Jacob their email for some reason that remains unclear even to the author.

Mom, Dad, assorted friends and family, and anyone else who may be reading this, I know that 2020 has been a hard year. We’ve all faced hardships, illness, and the knowledge that our country is no longer the great bastion of democracy that we once thought it was. As we enter the holiday season, a time for togetherness and cheer, I want us to set aside our differences so that we can be with one another and give the kinds of gifts that we’ll remember for a lifetime. No, I’m not talking about money or a new set of pajamas (Aunt June!), what I really want this Christmas is simple, and it costs nothing. I want to beat my dad’s ass.

Preferably, I’d like to beat dad’s ass in the front yard. It makes the most sense for me to use my bare hands, so I can pummel him the way he pummeled my dreams of being the first X-Treme barista, but I’ll use a large stick or a trash can lid if that’s better for everyone. Whatever implements or tools that I’m allowed, I just want to beat dad’s ass in front of everyone on Christmas Day. Anyone who wants to watch is welcome, but I ask that you quarantine for seven to ten days before the event (mom, you may have to break out the guest linens for this one).

I know what some of you are thinking. Why would I want to beat dad’s ass? I think it’ll help him build character. At least, that’s what he said to me when my car was stolen during the first semester of college. Remember how I had to walk to campus until I could save up enough for a used clunker in the spring semester? And then remember how the used clunker pinned me against the wall and broke both of my legs? Does anyone remember what dad said as I was laid out in the hospital? “This is going to help you build character.” Well dad, or George as you’re so affectionately known by your friends and neighbors, this is going to help you build some character. Specifically, character in your ass, where I’ll be beating you.

It makes the most sense to me to do the whole ass beating thing after coffee and cookies but before presents. That way everyone can work off their pre-present jitters but not wait so long that we’re flagging from all the holiday adrenaline. I suggest that everyone do some light stretching, drink plenty of fluids, and most of all just enjoy the glorious holiday feeling knowing that everyone is together in one place watching me beat dad’s ass.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.