Give It To Me: Five Ernest Movies I’d Like To See Right Now

Give It To Me: Five Ernest Movies I’d Like To See Right Now

If you’re like me, meaning a person who grew up in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s (which statistically you’ve got to be somewhere in that big ass ball park) then you spent an inordinate amount of time watching movies featuring one Mr. Ernest P. Worrell. You watched as he was “scared stupid” and as he was incarcerated for crimes which he didn’t commit. His film work faded out as children grew callous and tired of this man-child’s adventures, but I feel that it’s time Ernest make a come back and these are the flicks I’d like to watch in the theater, at home on my VCR, and through the windows of my most beautiful neighbors.

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Love In An Instant

Love In An Instant

“I think she’s sexy,” says the nutball. I do an invisible eye roll. I say what I’ve been waiting to say. There’s only one reason I’ve been sitting at his table. 

“I’m going to take a shot. Starla said I could.”

He ONLY brings the stripper juice for Starla. Aka Fireball. He doesn’t like to share. 

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Four Soothing Photos And One Picture Of A Guy Breaking Into Your Home

Four Soothing Photos And One Picture Of A Guy Breaking Into Your Home

It’s a stressful world out there; people are worried about politics, the Earth heating up, the Earth cooling down, the fact that you’re in your 30s and haven’t been to the dentist in over a decade, and people with breaking into our homes and stabbing us in our sleep. Sometimes you just need a nice place on the internet, somewhere you can relax and forget about your day to day problems. That’s why we’ve put together this collection of four soothing photos and one with a guy who wrapped himself in toilet paper before climbing the stairs to your bedroom. We don’t know how it got here but we can’t figure out how to delete it. Try not to look at that one.

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Xtro - Alien Erotica for only the Kinkiest

Xtro - Alien Erotica for only the Kinkiest

When you’re a 13 year old horror fan everything kind of runs together. You have nothing but time and an endless history of horror to consume. I remember whole years where I watched a movie or two every single day. 90% were horror. Yes it did affect me and no I don’t want to talk about it. The point is, through this endless stream of murder certain movies graze the surface and can actually fuck with your head. It’s rare, but they do. Xtro is a sick enough type of movie to just do that. It has claws in all the right places. So if you’re into being molested by a movie, by all means, read on!

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Corporate Bravery: McDonald’s Claims That Chicken McNuggets Can Help You Grow Into A Big Boy

Corporate Bravery: McDonald’s Claims That Chicken McNuggets Can Help You Grow Into A Big Boy

One of the most recognizable fast food brands has opted for a bold new campaign strategy, one which changes the way its diners associates the company’s product with just being a kid. McDonald’s has launched a new ad campaign that claims little boys who chow down on Chicken McNuggets three to five times a week will grow big and strong like Ronald McDonald, and that they might even be stronger than their daddies if they eat enough.

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The Peacock King - A Lesson in Horror-Fu

The Peacock King - A Lesson in Horror-Fu

When the four holes to Hell open up and Hell King is all pissed off and ready to fuck some shit up, who do you call? Two horny monks that have been training their whole lives! Yep, you heard me right, the Hell King is coming back to earth and we gotta stop him!

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Down The Rabbit Hole With Jacob Shelton: An Afternoon With Bernard Kulp

Down The Rabbit Hole With Jacob Shelton: An Afternoon With Bernard Kulp

Bernard Kulp bursts into his kitchen carrying a stack of manila envelopes. Over the next five hours he’ll repeatedly pull from these files and point to lengthy paragraphs that have been scanned and copied so many times that they look as if the ink has fallen out of the words. The first thing he says to me is, “Is this really you or is it your consciousness?” I don’t know how to respond so I pick up my water glass and I say, “Me?” I’ve never felt more insane. “I’m pretty sure myself and my consciousness are here together.” Kulp scowls at me and says, “We’ll see.” He fingers his folders for a moment before drumming his fingers on the table. “It’s not that I think everyone who projects their consciousness from another dimension is an evil pedophile or something, it’s just what my research shows.” Kulp raises his fist quickly until it’s parallel to my face, I flinch and he seems satisfied with this response. “That’s good,” he whispers to himself, “very good.”

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Top 5 Conspiracies Ranked by how Hard my Wife Tries to Stop Me From Seeing the Kids

Top 5 Conspiracies Ranked by how Hard my Wife Tries to Stop Me From Seeing the Kids

Youtube videos seemed to be so innocent when I first started watching. Cat videos and DIY tutorials. Anyone could upload a video! Soon I found myself getting wrapped up in the secret truths all the sheeple in the world don’t want to look at. Youtube documentaries freed me from a life with my head in the sand. It also freed me from having a wife and children. But I’m a good father and I won’t let these kids down, even if they might in fact be alien hybrids!

Here are the top five conspiracies that killed my marriage:

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Kill Pretty Tells You How To Spend Your Weekend

Kill Pretty Tells You How To Spend Your Weekend

Wasn’t it just the weekend? And now you’re expected to spend another two days hanging out and waiting to go back to work? If you don’t know how to spend your weekend why not do it up Kill Pretty style? We asked some of your favorite Kill Pretty writers how they’re spending the weekend, feel free to copy, mix ‘em all up, or do something else and let us know what kind of trouble you got up to.

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Getting Lost: What It Takes To Pick Up The Magazine From The Shipping Warehouse

Getting Lost: What It Takes To Pick Up The Magazine From The Shipping Warehouse

Hour seven of walking through a warehouse the size of six Costcos is when you start to lose your mind. Forklifts whiz by, their drivers wearing an orange vest honk at you to get out of their way, and at least one of them slapped my arm with a plastic ruler when I tried to hop on the back of his little truck. I just wanted freedom, it didn’t matter how I released from my box lined prison.

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