Drunken Art Reviews by Mr. Rich

When we're bored we'll throw Mr. Rich a bunch of paintings and stuff from the Juxtapoz website and see what he thinks. He gets no information on the artist or any context, just images. Here's our staff drunk talking contemporary art.

 

 Art by Randy Walker

Art by Randy Walker

The town bridge sucks now

“I love what you did with the bridge grandma.” He said with forced enthusiasm. Internally, he wondered if it was time to put grandma in a home. She had become a different person since grandpa had died and it seemed her mind was deteriorating. She took up odd hobbies, like, collecting other people’s grocery receipts and counting the amount of ants she had squished that day. She had started knitting and quilting clothes and blankets for the giants that lived in the mountains nearby and then it took a turn for the worst… forcing it upon the locals.

 Art by Mike Spears

Art by Mike Spears

The truth is out there

Honestly, I’m just wondering what the fudge she is laying on. Some spaceship crash landed out in Iowa and the townspeople have been throwing rocks at it for fun and trying to open it by bashing at it with Louisville Sluggers for the past week. Up and coming photographer, let’s call him “Mr. Hairy Arms”, decides it’d be awesome to take a picture of his -could be hot girlfriend- on top of this thing. Then she starts seizuring and he puts his fingers in her mouth to keep her from biting off her own tongue. The next day a kid finds the camera, but no one around. The sweet couple have vanished. Then Mulder and Scully show up and start arguing about whether or not it it was alien related even though they’re standing right next to an alien space-craft.

 Art by Anatoly Timofeevich

Art by Anatoly Timofeevich

Double-Headed Monkey Overlord

Artwork like this has good replay value, unlike every M. Night Shyamalan movie. Once you know the end, what’s the point of watching it again? I digress. You can look at this and see something different every time. Whether it’s the glowing neck hole of the headless horseman or black dude about to smash the brains of a white dude with what looks like a giant hammer. You find something new every time. For me, I revert back to childhood and keep hoping I’ll find Waldo.

 Art by Stephan Balleux

Art by Stephan Balleux

Look for the angry rabbit

This really gives me a sense of everything is going to be ok. Jk. It’s creepy. In 2 seconds, the world is going to end and I have no idea why I thought my current girlfriend was worth the effort. Fast forward to 10 years later and I have just died from a shotgun wound to the skull and my essence floats above my bed looking for revenge. That’s this.

 

 Art by Yoshitoshi Kanemaki

Art by Yoshitoshi Kanemaki

Yeah!

Yeah, skeleton fuck session. Woohoo! I’m instantly horny. All I want to do is bang. Has anyone made a skeleton porn yet? I’m down. Totally would watch 8 hours, at least, of skeleton orgy. And there wouldn’t be that awkwardness if you were watching with your homie. Million dollar idea.

 Art by Larry Dixon

Art by Larry Dixon

Timing

I’m gonna smoke whenever I want to and if it’s an inconvenience for your pet then so be it. I have goals. Your Marlin doesn’t like when I smoke a cigarette then too bad. I’m an addict. If He/She chooses to strike out, I will deal. I can’t wander this land trying to figure out every little thing that is flammable. I have things to do.