New Year’s Resolutions From The Staff Of Kill Pretty

Around this time every year the freaks, weirdoes, and ne’er do wells of Kill Pretty find themselves in a pickle. With the new year right around the corner we have to make some kind of resolution, some kind of offer up to old man time that we’ll better ourselves. Here’s what the Kill Pretty staff is thinking about changing in the coming year.

Tyler Nacho (Trash Editor Supreme): I don’t recognize the new year but I guess if you’re holding a gun to my head (and you are!) then I’d say that my resolution is to finally transform one of my body parts into a piece of a puppet. Maybe I’ll get some googly eyes or something. Anything’s possible.

Jacob Shelton (Head Writer and Hungry Boy): Just once I’d like to see someone do some work around here. Can my resolution be for other people? Because that’s what it is.

Brian Thompson (Employee of the Year): I’d like to finally figure out if fish can get drunk when they’re underwater. That’d be pretty bad ass.

Steve Torres (Steve Torres): Aside from finally understanding myself and breaking the fear of being truly alone, not as in a fear of being alone but being alone with myself, I suppose that I’d like to get better at skating. Maybe I’ll eat less meat.

Balderdash Williams (Legal Representation): It is hereby my resolution that I’ll no longer shave my beard less than the length of an English Herring. No lawyer worth their salt is known for having whiskers that look as if they were grown by a youngling and I refuse to be taken less seriously because of my facial hair.