I hate to be the person to break the news to you, but you’re getting old. If you’re like me, you’re well into your 30s, and you can’t drink like the young dum-dum you once were. Whether you’re double fisting tall boys all night, or day drinking rosé with your crew, you’re going to be suffering the next day. The easiest way to make sure you don’t have a hangover is to stop drinking, but we both know that’s not going to happen. So until you suddenly become responsible, or die from a liver explosion, here are the best ways to get rid of the pounding in your head and the rumbling in your stomach.
Eat Two Pounds Of Raw Beef
This has to be the first thing you do after waking up. Don’t brew a cup of coffee, don’t slam a glass of water, and don’t reach for the Alka-Seltzer – you must ingest the beef. Rip open the package with your hands and tear into the bloody meat with your jagged teeth. Once you’ve eaten two whole pounds of the red, raw meat, and only then, will your hangover be cured.
Tie A Brick Around Your Ankle And A Bag Around Your Head, Then Jump In A Swimming Pool
Using either a cinder block or a classic red brick, weigh yourself down so that you easily sink to the bottom of a swimming pool. The bag around your head will keep you from breathing and make it harder to fight your way back to the surface. Once in the water your lungs will start working overtime and you’ll be in a literal fight for your life. If you make it out of the pool and free yourself from the anchor of your own doing your body will flood itself with endorphins. Goodbye hangover, hello life.
Destroy The Amulet
The Amulet is the source of the world’s pain and suffering. It acts as both catalyst and temper of negative energy for the plain of existence that we call life. Take the amulet and fling it into the vortex that’s created by uttering the unholy words found in the book bound in human flesh, or smash it to bits with the hammer forged from pure hope. Only once The Amulet is truly destroyed will you be freed from the tyranny of your hangover.
Your Father Must Die
You may have spent the day drinking pinot grigio on your couch while watching reruns of Top Chef, but the true reason for your hangover is the mental and emotional pain that your father infused into your soul. Your head will ache until the day you die unless you rise up and slay your father, taking his place as the patriarch of your family.
Peer Into The Box Of Pure Light And Let It Judge You
The Box of Pure Light has been waiting for you, as it waits for everyone. With the hangover pulsing through your body you must scale the jutting cliffs of Mount Fez until you find your way to the hut of the Keeper. Beg to be judged by the Box of Light, but only if you believe yourself to be pure of heart. Let the light wash over you; let it judge your sins. If the Box deems you worthy, then your hangover will drift away as you become a being of pure light. If the Box finds fault within your heart, you’ll be cursed to walk the Earth with a head full of pain until your undo your terrible deeds.