Resident expert Jacob Shelton knows just about everything about anything, and that’s why he’s the perfect person to review and consider the wide range of topics that are available in this strange, chaotic world.

The Guy Who Keeps Setting Off Fireworks In My Neighborhood - 0/10

I know you’re reading this. Maybe you just woke up in mid-afternoon following a night of running through my neighborhood and setting off what can only be described as mild concussion bombs, or maybe you never sleep. Do the explosions ring through your ears and echo off the inside of your skull? Do you want us all to feel trapped inside the cacophony like you do? Well great news, it’s working.

When the fireworks started I could set my watch by them. A loud explosion would rock a nearby alley and I’d say, It’s four o’clock, time for a beer. But now the wedge of time in my life without explosions has decreased so thoroughly that to view it would be the same as gawking at a sliver of a fingernail. Even now, at an hour not befitting of someone who just hangs around and writes all day (7:30AM), I wait for the sound of man made thunder.

I want to venture out into the night, clad in all black and carrying a mallet, so I can whomp you on the head just once. One head clobbering is all I need to feel righteous, any more would be gratuitous. Of course, you’d probably just blow me up, or at least explode one of my extremities with one of your personal grenades. The loss of a limb would be an acceptable trade off for getting the chance to clobber you, because I hate you.

The Guy Who Keeps Setting Off Fireworks In My Neighborhood, consider yourself reviewed.

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