How to Get the Girl

So You've got Your sights set on the perfect girl, huh?

She's got a perfect smile, perfect boobs, and perfect soul.  She goes to the same Circle K you go to, buys the same swisher sweets you buy;  she gets the same weed from the same guy you do, and has the same stds you have.  But how do You go from standing in the Circle K line to watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze with her, while she finds out the secret to your ooze with a careless handjob as Vanilla Ice sings 'Go Ninja Go Ninja Go!'?