How to Get the Girl

Art By Dylan Davis

Art By Dylan Davis

So You've got Your sights set on the perfect girl, huh?

She's got a perfect smile, perfect boobs, and perfect soul.  She goes to the same Circle K you go to, buys the same swisher sweets you buy;  she gets the same weed from the same guy you do, and has the same stds you have.  But how do You go from standing in the Circle K line to watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze with her, while she finds out the secret to your ooze with a careless handjob as Vanilla Ice sings 'Go Ninja Go Ninja Go!'?

    1. Get Her Attention

First You have to get her attention.  Just like, "Be Yourself", Man.  But even more so.  If You've got a hairy chest, bush that shit out.  If You're short, act like a gnome.  If You're an asshole, be the assiest-asshole that ever lived.  Crank up those asshole super powers. Maybe even drink some liquor.

       A. Create a peak experience

   Peak experiences often become the magical reference points on which relationships are built. Perhaps we can artificially induce them?

            1. Ask her on a drug date.

        Ah, the drug date. When the preceding generations said we were going to hell in a handbasket, they were being straight the fuck up.  The consensual drug date has become a normative courtship ritual in 21st century urban living.  Eat Your heart out Aldous Huxley, Isaac Asimov.  hint: phenethylamines represent love or chocolate in the brain or some shit.

            2. Stage something.

        I'm not saying You've gotta go all 9-11 on her, or even Newtown.  But what if one of Your friends got into a ski mask and tried to rob You, and You kicked his ass?  You'd be forever cast as a powerful hero protector in the mind of what will surely become the cock-guzzling princess of your wildest dreams. Fucking Dale owes you at least $50.

        B. Do a stunt

    Can You kind of walk around like a scorpion with your leg flapping behind your head? Now is the time to!  Do You have a prosthetic leg?  Throw it at her for fuck's sake!  If You have to vomit; vomit hard.  Make it count.  

        Did You know that if You barf directly on a human female within the first 3 dates, the chances of you having a happy lasting marriage and healthy children with that female goes up to 73%?

    2. Convey Your Interest

    Put a rock in your pants to make it look like you've got a solid erection pointed at her at all times.  You should be shooting furious laser beams from your eyes and kundalini rays from your dickhole!  Fully mad, fully cracked in the psychosis that is pure hearted true love!  Blast her with your love lasers!  Tell her that you would die in a fire to save her stuffed animals!  Tell her that if you were a superhero, and you could save either her or the entire city, You would choose her; and watch the whole city and everyone in it burn to the ground, because like, "Your pussy is DOPE, YO!"

    3. Talk Business

        a. Assume that she's a hooker, that way, if she's not a hooker she'll be flattered and if she is a hooker you won't be wasting her time.  

        b. Ask "If I buy milk from the cow, I don't have to like, buy the cow, do I?"

        c. Tell her the ugly truth of the matter, "I want you to make me into your remote control sex slave on these tracks throughout uncle Gary's basement corridors, and my cock and balls are kept in place by a rope attached to rails along the floor and ceiling; and you totally like, use this joystick to jerk me around by my cock n' balls and like, make me bang you all day and shit and blow my nuts in, on, and around you forever, Babe!"

    4. Disrespect her

    5. Only so you can specifically tell her that you respect her.

    (Bitches love respect)

    Ok, here's where You've got to prove You have heart:

    4. Piss in each other's asses.

    5. EAT each other's ASSHOLES.  

        I say unto you, anyone who has neither tongued butthole nor received tongue unto thy butthole, has NEVER KNOWN LOVE.

    5. SHIT in each other's asses, and pass the shit back and forth, forever and ever.  This is the ultimate, and it will forever altered both of your brain chemicals and lock you both into a perpetual 9th dimensional bliss generator.

Congratulations!  You got the girl!  

    For having achieved the truest divine Love, please think of the rest of us as the shit log rolls back and forth between the anuses of you and your mate.  Peace and infinite  orgasms be upon the combination of you forever, please help the rest of us reach your ideal state of being.

           Yours Truly,

                    Forkface Digitalis, XO