Nacho 6/19/17 Nacho 6/19/17

19 Things to Say to Your Second Cousin Gary at his Grandfather's Funeral

He was a good man.
You should try the casserole.
I’ve heard that drowning is much less painful than scientists believe.
Anything I can do, anything at all…
You think there’s room in there for two?
Before his spirit passed did he utter the syllable which cannot be heard?

Jacob Shelton 6/15/17 Jacob Shelton 6/15/17

Drug Slang for the Week of June 11 - 17

Each week, Rocko D. writes into Kill Pretty to let the audience know about the newest slang for buying, taking, and dealing drugs. While we at Kill Pretty don’t condone Rocko D.’s lifestyle, we do appreciate the space he fills on our site, and his desire to keep you - our customers - safe.

Jacob Shelton 6/14/17 Jacob Shelton 6/14/17

10 Sexy Things to Reveal About Yourself on a First Date

Your ability to guess a girls weight within 10 pounds.
You’ve been wearing the same 5 pairs of boxers since junior high and none of them have holes.
The cleanliness of your kitchen sink.
The amount of Supernatural episodes you’ve watched.
Your love of playful but tasteful taxidermy.

Nacho 6/12/17 Nacho 6/12/17

Grandma’s Top Three Poops

My grandma is a full blown hillbilly. She’s full blown bohemian Czech. Still speaks Czech. Grew up in the great depression in Texas. She met my grandfather and still to this day says he has a golden dick and he was the most beautiful man to ever walk the Earth.

Mr. Rich 5/3/16 Mr. Rich 5/3/16

Slim Goodbody gets down with some puppets

Slim goodbody sings a song with some puppets.

Mr. Rich 4/25/16 Mr. Rich 4/25/16

No Yucky people by Mr. Rich

Penises and vaginas are the best, but smell the worst.

Armpits and feet love to be tickled, but who wants to touch those stinky things?

We kiss as a sign of affection, but if you don’t brush your teeth for one day, your shit is rank.

Jacob Shelton 4/22/16 Jacob Shelton 4/22/16

No, I do not want your soft taco - By Jacob Shelton

I appreciate what you’re trying to do Steven, I really do, but why don’t you hold on to that soft taco? It’s not that I’m not hungry, because it is lunch time and, admittedly, I get very hungry around this time of day. It’s just that I don’t want the soft taco that’s been sitting in the passenger seat of your Volvo for God knows how long. Yes, I’m aware that it hasn’t been baking under the rays of the sun, magnified by your non-tinted windows (I didn’t even know they made windows without tint anymore) for more than twenty minutes, but still.

Mr. Rich 4/20/16 Mr. Rich 4/20/16

THE GLUNKERWUNK, A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there lived a noble prince. He really enjoyed saving princesses. He saved them all day long, in this land and that. Then one day a dark cloud appeared over the prince’s land. It clouded all that was good and he was no longer able to see what princesses to save. He grew sad and bored. He wished for his passion to return.

Then one day a mysterious beast appeared. The Glunkerwunk. He GLUNKED, then WUNKED, then GLUNKERWUNKED through the castle gates. The Glunkerwunk told the prince that if he could look inside and see himself for what he truly was then he could lift the curse from his kingdom. The prince laughed. He did not believe him for he was arrogant and saw himself without flaw. So the Glunkerwunk left and the kingdom was sad.