How To Survive Game Night When You Hate Everyone
Off the bat, that title is inaccurate. I don’t hate everyone. I like my dogs. There are a few people on Twitter that make me laugh, and I tend to enjoy the company of the other writers for some reason. Other than that, most people can go jump in a lake. It stands to reason that as someone who rarely leaves the comfort of his house, that I don’t have to go out of my way to avoid social situations that don’t involve my dogs, or discussing topics for a quarterly magazine. When I do leave the gloomy chambers of my one bedroom apartment, it’s to walk down the street to my favorite bar and chat with the bartender, Karl (whom, come to think of it, I also quite like). Against my better judgment, and in a frenzied moment of needing to get out of my house, I accepted an invitation to a game night.
Five Times That It’s Totally Okay To Steal A Car
Regardless of how you feel about property and whether or not anything actually belongs to anyone, we can all agree that it’s not cool to go around stealing stuff - especially cars. On the whole, people need their cars to get back and forth from their jobs or to school, if that car’s stolen then the emotional and financial stress can be too much to bare for some people. However, there are a few completely acceptable circumstances in which you can steal a car.
Kill Pretty Goes To The Los Angeles Premiere Of Danzig's Verotika
When I arrive at the theater I pass through a sea of people with mohawks and back patches that simply read “Danzig.” The singer’s directorial debut is supposed to be so bad it’s good, but how many so bad it’s good movies can there really be? I receive a wristband and frightened worker says “Whatever you do, don’t laugh.” Before I can question him I’m pushed through the doors of the theater and given the option of a $7 beer or taking an early seat. I opt to take my seat.
Call Satan Live PODCAST Episode 1 Available NOW!
CALL SATAN LIVE The Podcast is finally here! Episode 1 just went up! Listen to the dark lord himself dish out advice, gossip and black magick!
Never Again - An Edible Marijuana Horror Story
“Never again” is a phrase that you should utter with decreasing frequency as you mature: You should learn from your mistakes. When you’re a kid, the world is full of sparkly phenomena, and you have not yet accrued enough disappointments to employ skepticism in investigating the seemingly endless sources of sparkle. When you’re nine-years-old, for instance, you may not have yet learned that candied apples are detestable pieces of shit.
The Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival by Jacob Shelton
Everyone in the pork tent is dressed to the nines, or rather, their version of being dressed to the nines. From my vantage point near a slowly revolving al pastor cyclone I try to count the number of salmon bow ties, tweed suit jackets, and cool linen suits topped off with tennis shoes, but it’s a futile endeavor. Everyone is whispering about Alton Brown’s egg tutorial that’s taking place later in the evening. “He’s coming,” they say. When I was given a free ticket to cover the Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival I assumed it would be an easy in and out gig where I could cobble together a free dinner made up of slightly upscale street cart food, get drunk, and walk home, but instead I’m standing by a spinning tower of meat, and trying to find the clearest path to an exit. I’ll make something up once I get home. It’s not like I didn’t try to cover the festival. This just isn’t the place for me, and I’ve already used up my two drink tickets. None of the other writers covering the event seem to know where the gratis tent for journalists is hidden, and there are rumors floating around about someone from the LA Times being sent out on a stretcher after they were tasered within an inch of their life for bringing in a flask.
One Sentence Album Reviews by Jacob Shelton
Lorde – Melodrama
I heard that Lorde made a record executive eat a live rat before she would sign her contract. Cool.
Drug Slang for the Week of August 20-26
Each week, Rocko D. writes into Kill Pretty to let the audience know about the newest slang for buying, taking, and dealing drugs. While we at Kill Pretty don’t condone Rocko D.’s lifestyle, we do appreciate the space he fills on our site, and his desire to keep you - our customers - safe.
When you're not the Popular Roomate Anymore By Brian Thompson
I’ve lost the reign of “King Swinging Dick” in my household. We all live in a huge house together and I was once the golden child of my 14 roommates lives when I came home. They were like hungry little puppies yearning for attention and lapping up every stupid story I would bring home. What was work like? Who was that girl you brought over last week? Can you drive me to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled?
GUESS: Is it Iced Cold Brew or a Jar of Tobacco Spit?
We had the whole staff chew dip for a week and all spit into the same jar. We threw ice in the jar and had a professional photographer shoot the jar. Can you guess which jar contains cold brew and which contains tobacco spit?? FUN!
The 10 Commandments of Dating in 2017 by Brian Asssmasher Thompson
Diving back into the dating world after three years was the proverbial equivalent of diving off the Bay Bridge in December into the frigid waters below. It’s an ice-cold electronic world out there and I’m just an out of touch fisherman trying to reel in the big catch with out catching fish herpes or getting scales on my dick.