What Your iPhone Alarm Clock Ringtone Says About You by Greg Mania
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What Your iPhone Alarm Clock Ringtone Says About You by Greg Mania

Opening: This is the default iPhone ringtone, quiet and subtle: like you! You enjoy 

fostering a sense of community and love shoving your flagrant display of civic virtue in 

everyone’s face! 

Apex: You’re very career-oriented and liquidate assets before lunch. 

Chimes: You can ONLY achieve an orgasm if the song you’re having sex to is 

comprised of at least 80% woodwind instruments. 

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How to Binge Watch Like A Pro by Jacob Shelton
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How to Binge Watch Like A Pro by Jacob Shelton

L

ast week I was alerted to the fact that popular 90s television program, Friends, is on Netflix in it’s entirety. Until recently, I’d never seen an episode of Friends all the way through, or if I had, I was unaware. But now thanks to my roommate, Olaf, I’ve decided to watch Friends from top to tip, and I won’t stop until I’m studiously versed in all things Friends.

It goes without saying, if you decide to watch an entire series of a television program, that’s a big commitment. I’m in the enviable position of being a columnist, and with that job comes quite a bit of free time. Sure, I may need to slap down 500 words about the new Filthy Grabbers album, or review a new ramen burger pop up that only makes itself available under the 405 on every second full moon, but I hardly need to get out of bed for such work. But every so often I feel a ghost tapping on my shoulder, the fear of missing out.

“What if everyone is making reference to a very popular 90s sitcom and I don’t even know?”

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Hateful Reviews of Everything Around Me by Sean Conforti
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Hateful Reviews of Everything Around Me by Sean Conforti

I go to coffee shops regularly to keep my loathing of humanity at a low but consistent boil.

Yuppie urban-wanna-be regions, Pasadena for example, are excellent for this.  I’m in a wood-beam and exposed aluminum piping hipster dream; there is a large neon sign, MOTEL NO VACANCY flickering on the wall above me, and I think that this is what it would feel like to be me playing Charles Bukowski playing himself in a romcom about Charles Bukowski playing me. “NO” flashes fluorescent red above my head

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