Dating Advice For Creeps

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Man, woman, gender non-conforming – no matter how you identify, if you’re a creep then you know how hard it is to find someone who really likes you for you. How long should you wait after meeting someone to let them know you’re a creep? Do you ease them into your inherent creepiness or do you toss them in the deep end right away? Everyone is different, and there’s no perfect way to enhance your love life if you’re a dyed in the wool weirdo, but I’ve put together some dating tips for all you creeps out there, and I think they might help you find the person you’re looking for.

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An Excerpt From Our Interview With Everett Peck From Issue 3

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An Excerpt From Our Interview With Everett Peck From Issue 3

In 1994 the USA network greenlit a little cartoon called Duckman. They had no idea at the time that they’d just given birth to the funniest, raunchiest and most heartwarming cartoon we’d ever see on TV. Creative genius, Everett Peck, was the man behind the duck. We interviewed him to hear the story of Duckman and attempted to get an up close and personal glimpse into his sticky, squishy duck brain.

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Call Satan Live Ep. 3 - Midget Threesome

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Call Satan Live Ep. 3 - Midget Threesome

Finally the dark lord himself gets to give a little relationship advice! How to properly handle a midget threesome, make your dad an extra special egg salad and one free mansion in CHINO HILLS! All this and much more! Come listen to Satan himself wheelin’ and dealin’!

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Travel Tips For The Thrifty Adventurer

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Nothing is more satisfying than hitting the open road and feeling the wind in your hair. However, if you want to travel like a professional you’ve got to know the tricks of the trade. It’s not enough to roll your shirts or wear all your coats at once – you’ve got to move across the country like you were born on the road.

1. Keep your passport encased in a block of ice (bandits famously hate handling anything cold so they’ll steer clear of any personal items that even resemble an iceberg).

2. If you’re traveling by air, remember, pilots have to eat everything on a plane that their passengers leave on the ground, so clean up after yourself.

3. Replace your blood with trail-mix. I have pecans and off-brand M&Ms bouncing around my veins at the moment.

4. Use the barter system when necessary: trade an old hockey stick for a basket of eggs, trade the basket of eggs for a can of gas, trade the can of gas for a ride to Albuquerque, etc.

5. Grow a hump and learn to keep extra water inside.


CEOs Beware, Millennials Are Using These Excuses To Get Out Of Work

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CEOs Beware, Millennials Are Using These Excuses To Get Out Of Work

CEOs, while you’re bouncing out of your e-beds at 4am to check stock prices, meet with your robo-trainer, and place phone calls to China, there’s another group of people who tucked away comfortably in their bunk beds dreaming of ways to screw you over – millennials. All these 22 to 37 year olds want to do is hang out with their five roommates and talk about which 90s cartoon best describes their love language, a fine pursuit for a Saturday afternoon, but these oversized children want to get into it on a Tuesday afternoon. That’s when you’re working the hardest.

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Terrible Fucking Advice by Murdock St. James

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This new column from sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James, is a monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice by the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James. James didn’t have time for a sit down interview, but he did email 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

  1. Gentlemen, change the color of your semen by ingesting different colors of paint.

  2. Get over that pesky refractory period by punching yourself in the dick until you’re hard again.

  3. Guys, if you really want to prove that you’re a feminist you should eat your own cum, then email me about it.

  4. Looking for a new position? Try “the human light switch.” That’s where you get up and turn on the lights before having missionary sex.

  5. Legally adopt whomever you’re sleeping with.

  6. Tell your new partner that you’re a virgin. That way no matter how bad you are in the sack they’ll be like, “Aw man he’s pretty good for a guy in his 30s who’s never had sex.”

  7. Don’t be a chump, remember the difference between Asexuals and Eh-sexuals (one of them is from Canada).

  8. It’s easier to eat pussy when using a metronome.

  9. Fucking a short guy while riding public transit is known as the “metro gnome.”

  10. Are you hung like a horse? You might actually be a horse. How are you reading this, horse?




Never Again - An Edible Marijuana Horror Story

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Never Again - An Edible Marijuana Horror Story

“Never again” is a phrase that you should utter with decreasing frequency as you mature: You should learn from your mistakes.  When you’re a kid, the world is full of sparkly phenomena, and you have not yet accrued enough disappointments to employ skepticism in investigating the seemingly endless sources of sparkle.  When you’re nine-years-old, for instance, you may not have yet learned that candied apples are detestable pieces of shit.

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The Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival by Jacob Shelton

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The Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival by Jacob Shelton

Everyone in the pork tent is dressed to the nines, or rather, their version of being dressed to the nines. From my vantage point near a slowly revolving al pastor cyclone I try to count the number of salmon bow ties, tweed suit jackets, and cool linen suits topped off with tennis shoes, but it’s a futile endeavor. Everyone is whispering about Alton Brown’s egg tutorial that’s taking place later in the evening. “He’s coming,” they say. When I was given a free ticket to cover the Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival I assumed it would be an easy in and out gig where I could cobble together a free dinner made up of slightly upscale street cart food, get drunk, and walk home, but instead I’m standing by a spinning tower of meat, and trying to find the clearest path to an exit. I’ll make something up once I get home. It’s not like I didn’t try to cover the festival. This just isn’t the place for me, and I’ve already used up my two drink tickets. None of the other writers covering the event seem to know where the gratis tent for journalists is hidden, and there are rumors floating around about someone from the LA Times being sent out on a stretcher after they were tasered within an inch of their life for bringing in a flask.

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