Five Cryptids You’ve Never Heard Of Who I Wish Would Stop Dating My Mom

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Five Cryptids You’ve Never Heard Of Who I Wish Would Stop Dating My Mom

It’s not that my mother and I have the best relationship. We don’t. It’s fine. Sometimes we talk once a week, and then I’ll just go months without speaking to her. It’s not a malicious thing, we just don’t have anything to say to one another. Speaking to my mom is like finding Bigfoot, the harder I try the less I hear from her. Inevitably, when I do get her on the phone she’s always got some new - and I’m not being malicious when I say this - creature in her life. These Sasquatch adjacent creeps fly in from the sky, or the woods of the Pacific Northwest and shack up with my mom for a while before doing what a cryptid does best and vanishes into the mist.

My mom has dated her fair share of UFO flying weirdoes and Loch Ness Monster wannabes, but there are five creatures from her past that really take the cake. Literally, one of them stole a cake from her. Who does that?

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Five Obscure Taco Bell Items That Need To Come Back

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Five Obscure Taco Bell Items That Need To Come Back

Taco Bell, the purveyors of fourth meal, feeders of stoners, teens, and stoned teens everywhere have no shortage of sodium-pumped delicacies waiting to be covered in Hot or Fire Sauce (or Mild, if you’re one of those people), before being shoved down your gullet. From time to time Taco Bell rolls out a new treat that’s so wonderful, so enticing that it’s too good for this world. Sometimes they’re local oddities, in other cases they’re national experiments that come and go in the span of a summer. Taco Bell may be the greatest fast food restaurant in the universe, but they’ll never win our undying love until they bring back these obscure menu items.

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The Five Best Hangover Cures To Try In Your 30s

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The Five Best Hangover Cures To Try In Your 30s

I hate to be the person to break the news to you, but you’re getting old. If you’re like me, you’re well into your 30s, and you can’t drink like the young dum-dum you once were. Whether you’re double fisting tall boys all night, or day drinking rosé with your crew, you’re going to be suffering the next day. The easiest way to make sure you don’t have a hangover is to stop drinking, but we both know that’s not going to happen. So until you suddenly become responsible, or die from a liver explosion, here are the best ways to get rid of the pounding in your head and the rumbling in your stomach.

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New Year’s Resolutions From The Staff Of Kill Pretty

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New Year’s Resolutions From The Staff Of Kill Pretty

Around this time every year the freaks, weirdoes, and ne’er do wells of Kill Pretty find themselves in a pickle. With the new year right around the corner we have to make some kind of resolution, some kind of offer up to old man time that we’ll better ourselves. Here’s what the Kill Pretty staff is thinking about changing in the coming year.

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I Can't Wrap My Head Around New Chronology

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In 2001 chess master Gary Kasparov claimed that he believed history isn’t actually history. It’s fiction. That year a loosely knit group of Russian conspiracy theorists began touting “New Chronology,” a theory that posits that everything that we think happened leading up to the Renaissance is a myth, created by a one world government to uh… well, to do something. No one is actually sure why there would be a global conspiracy to hide the possibility that England was once a part of the Russian Empire.

While I’m unsure of how this affects me directly, it nonetheless sends me into a downward spiral of second-guessing every choice I’ve ever made. Were my ancestors a part of a larger Russian empire? Is that why I ask for extra Russian dressing on my Reuben sandwiches? Or am I just one of those people who likes extra sauce? Does this explain my preference for pickles with fish? If I am from a secret lineage of Russian farmers then why can I not stand the cold? Have I been in Los Angeles for too long or is the concept of “New Chronology” an out and out lie?

Rather than finish the article after writing two paragraphs I decided to lie down and collect my thoughts. I ended up sleeping for 13 hours and in that time I’ve decided to create some new chronology of my own and forget about my possible ties to Russia, except for the Russian dressing. That’s one piece of history I think I’ll keep.

For Thanksgiving I’m Having Stuffed Gorilla

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For Thanksgiving I’m Having Stuffed Gorilla

It’s not hard to buy a gorilla. With the internet things are so easy you just point and click and then a week later there’s a guy asking you to sign for your giant refrigerated box that has a giant dead gorilla inside. Things are easier now. Only 10 years ago I would have had to go to a zoo and kill my own gorilla, now they’re just available on Amazon.

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Get It Right! Five Must Have Candies For Every Trick Or Treater

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Get It Right! Five Must Have Candies For Every Trick Or Treater

Do you smell that? The apple cider in the air? Do you hear the rustle of plastic masks outside your door? No? That’s because everyone knows that you have the worst candy on the block. You might as well be giving out pennies, that’s the kind of scum that your neighbors think you are. If you want to be able to look the neighborhood kids in the eye tomorrow while you clean the toilet paper from your trees you better buy the good stuff. Thank Christ we’re here to tell you what to do.

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Give It To Me: Five Ernest Movies I’d Like To See Right Now

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Give It To Me: Five Ernest Movies I’d Like To See Right Now

If you’re like me, meaning a person who grew up in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s (which statistically you’ve got to be somewhere in that big ass ball park) then you spent an inordinate amount of time watching movies featuring one Mr. Ernest P. Worrell. You watched as he was “scared stupid” and as he was incarcerated for crimes which he didn’t commit. His film work faded out as children grew callous and tired of this man-child’s adventures, but I feel that it’s time Ernest make a come back and these are the flicks I’d like to watch in the theater, at home on my VCR, and through the windows of my most beautiful neighbors.

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Four Soothing Photos And One Picture Of A Guy Breaking Into Your Home

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Four Soothing Photos And One Picture Of A Guy Breaking Into Your Home

It’s a stressful world out there; people are worried about politics, the Earth heating up, the Earth cooling down, the fact that you’re in your 30s and haven’t been to the dentist in over a decade, and people with breaking into our homes and stabbing us in our sleep. Sometimes you just need a nice place on the internet, somewhere you can relax and forget about your day to day problems. That’s why we’ve put together this collection of four soothing photos and one with a guy who wrapped himself in toilet paper before climbing the stairs to your bedroom. We don’t know how it got here but we can’t figure out how to delete it. Try not to look at that one.

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