Talk of reopening has been going on from the moment the country closed with a bug CACHUNK sound. As soon as the doors were locked and the open sign was flipped over people began asking, But when will we be open? I worry that if we open too soon someone will cough on me and I’ll turn into a lobster person, or melt into a puddle of bright purple goo, or die the slow boring death that I don’t want to think about but can’t stop thinking about.

I know you’re reading this. Maybe you just woke up in mid-afternoon following a night of running through my neighborhood and setting off what can only be described as mild concussion bombs, or maybe you never sleep. Do the explosions ring through your ears and echo off the inside of your skull? Do you want us all to feel trapped inside the cacophony like you do? Well great news, it’s working.

To put it mildly, the cops are the worst. My acquaintances who skateboard and/or professionally bang their heads into concrete would say that cops “suck.” As rudimentary as that sentiment is I have to agree. Unlike some of my future topics (Bigfoot, drowning, hypnosis), there’s a hill of data, a mountain really, to back up the fact that the police are no good. You can’t see the data that I’m working with here but I beg you to believe me when I say that there are some big numbers backing me up.