Bert Kreischer Drinks Blood (and other stories too insane to believe!)

Bert Kreischer has always been one of my favorite comedians because of his insane storytelling. He doesn’t just tell funny stories, he’s lived them. A lot of comedians exaggerate for effect, but with Bert, the unbelievable stories are TRUE.

Before becoming one of the most recognizable stand-up comedians, Bert hosted Hurt Bert, a travel show that sent him all over the world. The show wasn’t about luxury or sightseeing, it was about putting Bert into Jackass-esque dangerous situations. Totally unhinged

Because of that, Bert didn’t just collect passport stamps, he collected stories most people wouldn’t survive, let alone turn into comedy.

Our interview with Bert for Issue 7 is packed with moments like these, but we wanted to share one story here to give you a sense of just how wild his life is.

Read the full Bert Kreischer interview in Issue 7
Visit Bert Kreischer’s website to see him live on tour

Kill Pretty: I want to start this interview off with one of my favorite stories of yours. Can you tell me the story of the goat throat slitting? 

Bert: That was on Trip Flip. We went into the Messiah's Village, I forgot about that. Going to the Messiah’s Village and we come in a helicopter and literally the whole village, they've never seen a helicopter in their life. They’re like, “What the fuck?” and we just step off like gods. In my head thinking of these big thoughts like, “Can I conquer these people?” They've never even seen a cellphone. Then a guy with the chief comes up and he’s got a goat on a string and he’s like [Foreign language] I'm like, “I'm Bert.” He’s like “Are you famous?” I was like, “Yes, very.” They don’t have the internet, what are they going to do, ask the goat? Then he real quick takes a knife and slits the goats throat and bleeds it into a horn. I'm like, “Oh my god this is moving really fast.” He hands me the horn and said, “It's an honor to have you in our village.” In my head I’m like, “The last thing I want to do is drink blood in Africa. Africa is not where you want to fuck around with blood.” But I drink it, I kill it. He says, “We’re supposed to share that, that’s for everyone.” I’m like, “Oh fuck.” So, they kill another fucking goat under a tree this time and bleed it into the horn, pass the horn around, everyone takes a sip. I make my whole crew take a sip. Then he says to me, “Why are you famous?” I tell him my story, I was discovered by Rolling Stone Magazine in 1997, I sold the rights to my life, Will Smith discovered me after that, I went into TV and stand up for like 15 years or whatever. I totally lost that fear. Him and the entire Wu Tang clan is just like, “Okay, how does that help us here?” type thing. Then I said, “How did you become chief?” Then he said, “I killed a lion when was 13.” I was like, “What the fuck?” Then he told his story of how, at 13 they get circumcised and the week before the circumcision they sent them out into the bush or the Sahara or whatever and they have to hang out there by themselves and try to get ready for their circumcision. One night, a night before the circumcision, a lion tracks and finds him. He gets scared and climbs up a tree and the lion tries to climb up the tree, he swipes the lion with his sword and the lion falls and it dies. He then does whatever he does with the lion like skins or quarters it or whatever the fuck he did. He covers himself in mud, you get covered in mud for your circumcision so if any of the mud cracks then you’re not a man, walks in for a circumcision with a fucking lion over his shoulder and he goes “Cut this dick now, bitch.” I don’t know what he says.  

I was in awe like, “This is probably the best story I’ve ever heard.” I would have opened with that. I would’ve been like, “Hey, I know you’re famous but let me tell you this story.” It’s such a good story. Then he goes “You know it would be an honor if I could give you my sword.” He gives me his fucking sword. I was like… “Oh my god,” I've got it in my house. It's in my living room. I was like, “Oh my god, oh my god.” Then my crew is like “What are you going to give him?” I didn't have anything. What am I going to do, give him my cell phone? It’s going to run out of power. We were going to be in middle of nowhere so we bought a football, so I gave him a fucking football. He was like, “Have you ever seen a football?” He was like, “Huh?” and I was like, “Throw it around. If someone is really good at it then send them our way, they will become a tailback.” Like, what the fuck am I supposed to say? He's like “Thank you.” He was lost. 

KP: What was going through your fucking mind when you're chugging blood out of a horn? 

Bert: I was like, “Fuck it if I got it, I got it.” It's  raw dogging a chick, “Fuck it, it's worth it. I probably won't get anything, if I get something fuck it it's worth it.”

KP: Oh god, at least you would have a good story.