Do you smell that? The apple cider in the air? Do you hear the rustle of plastic masks outside your door? No? That’s because everyone knows that you have the worst candy on the block. You might as well be giving out pennies, that’s the kind of scum that your neighbors think you are. If you want to be able to look the neighborhood kids in the eye tomorrow while you clean the toilet paper from your trees you better buy the good stuff. Thank Christ we’re here to tell you what to do.

Husky Niblet Chews

Made from discarded corn husks and whatever “sacchralone” is, kids love to feel the silky strands of real corn stuck between their teeth. One Halloween my wife and I, sorry ex-wife, tried to pop Niblet Chews like pop corn and we ended up with a scorched mess. She said, “You’ve never been able to do anything right and you never will.” Ah, Halloween memories

“Used” “Chocolate” Chew ‘Ems

I don’t know what’s in “Chocolate” Chew ‘Ems, but I do know that we legally aren’t allowed to mention that they’re anywhere near being made of actual chocolate. I actually hate these because they remind me of the time my ex-wife three a waffle iron at me for buying previously owned dish soap.

Guacamole Slurps

It’s time to give the brats a break from sweets and introduce them to the world of savory snacks that are also incredibly wet. There’s nothing like ripping open a bag of Slurps and tipping it back into your open maw for a creamy, spicy treat. I wish Natalie, my ex-wife, had tried these out. She hated avocados and called them “Lucifer’s Green Fruit.”

Berry Blasts By Al-Qaeda

You knew Al-Qaeda was great at infiltrating countries and blowing up buildings, but this explosion is meant for your mouth. Natalie served in the Middle East during operation freedom so she hated these, so the only time I could eat them was when I was in the shower. It’s just these turn your mouth purple so I think she probably knew what I was doing.

Horse Meat Chomp-os

I’m not going to lie, Natalie left me for manufacturing my own Horse Meat horse meat candy, the afore mentioned Chomp-os. She said that “no one in their right mind” would knowingly eat horse meat, which I think is incorrect, I did, but it’s also why I’m secretly putting a bag in every trick or treater’s candy collection this year. I may not advertise the whole “horse meat” thing, maybe Natalie was right.