Thrift Shop Tech Review: Tiger Electronics Deluxe Talkboy
Sometimes in life, I feel like I’m doing okay. Well, even. Riding the crest of the remarkable wave that seems to only come ashore a few instances in any given lifetime, and one of those times is now. But then it all comes crashing down, breaking along the coast for all the little kids to fall down in while trying to skimboard, when Nacho phones me up and tells me I need to write a review. Fucking Kill Pretty.
Double-Date
About eight years ago, when my insecurity with women and desire to get laid still outweighed my determination to preserve my dignity, I went on a double-date and discovered what a double-date is. You might think you know the meaning of the term but you haven’t a clue...
You Can't Wait to Know This!
Let's Check-In With Jessica Simpson!
Jessica Simpson will go shopping sometime next week week at an outdoor mall in Century City. She'll purchase a huge black tote bag, so black it is almost navy blue. Then she will waltz into a craft store and cut snowflakes out of a fragile antique brocade, so valuable and pretty and rare that the salesgirl cries real tears onto the floor...the commission on the sale alone will pay for many generations of her family (yet to even be born!) to attend the career colleges of their choice. Or not.
Moments later, Jessica will walk through the plate glass window of the high end kitchen supply store, "Sur Le Tablė." The blood red melamine dinnerware of next seasons stock will be called "Platelets" a "must have," according to Elle Decor and a huge success for the family run business in Atacapia, Illinois that manufactures them.
Simpson will get a cut of the profits and continue being insanely rich, boring and dumber than a placemat.
The Ins and Outs of Writing a Weekly Column
Writing a column. From the outside it seems glamorous but when you’re in the middle of it there’s nothing more harrowing and nerve wracking. Currently I’m wrestling not only with what to write about this week but what I should be drinking while I do it and where I should type it up (these things are just as important as the actual writing). Some writers also have to deal with what to listen to while they work but I’ve slowly built a playlist of manuscript friendly music to guide me through the creative process (Rachmaninoff, Throbbing Gristle, Conway Twitty, Black Flag, etc.).
Although the sounds of my creative process are taken care of, there’s still the question of everything else that goes into writing a weekly column. Should I take a shower before I write? If so, how do I go about keeping my hair the perfect consistency of matted and soft (it usually takes a couple of days to achieve perfection)? Is it good for my computer if I write wet? The shower is definitely out.
SAASH (Semi Above Average Super Heroes)
I love movies.
But everything is too epic now. People love comic book movies that have characters with crazy super powers that conquer evil in the end with some abnormal ability. I want more movies like Mystery Men. There’s no middle ground. Either you’re super powerful and have to use your strength combined with others to defeat the enemy or you’re some joe schmo that has to find his inner strength.
Thrift Shop Tech Review: Akai CR-81D 8 Track Stereo
Fuck you, Kill Pretty. Why can’t I sit at home and drink my whiskey in peace?
I’m headed to the Goodwill in downtown because I think, “Fuck it. Today is just as good as any other to die,” and on my way I see an American Apparel billboard ad.
I don’t see why everyone talks so much shit on these ads. They’re like public porn appealing to the modern day pervert. In the masses. It’s great. Those giant billboards—aside from being the culprit to many a car accident—give the homeless something to jerk off to.
