Word on The Street: SCARLETT JOHANSSON: TRASH EATER (PHOTOS!!!)
Shocking news from celebrity world reaches our desks every day, but this exclusive story about Scarlett was a shock even to us. The busboy from the Denny’s on Melrose broke the news. One night last week while taking the trash out he caught a glimpse of a strikingly beautiful homeless lady eating a weak old Lumberjack Slam out of the dumpster. Upon being noticed she slinked away into the darkness. It was none other than Ms. Johansson herself.
Word on The Street: KRISTEN WIIG’S PLASTIC SURGERY NIGHTMARE EXCLUSIVE (PHOTOS!!!)
Have you ever wondered what Kristen Wiig’s nipples look like? Well we have the inside scoop. The gardner at my work also cuts Ms. Wiig’s lawn and has been watching her walk around naked on his lunch break for the past 3 months. He has confirmed multiple surgeries have occurred to reduce her abnormally large nipples. Most people don’t know this, but her nipples were the diameter of a soft ball since birth.
Word on The Street: Will Smith saves fingernail clippings for Christmas!!! (PHOTOS!)
You may think that Will Smith would give great Christmas presents, but my cousin Barbara found out the truth last week: It turns out Will Smith forces his whole family to save all their fingernail clippings in a jar. Yes, even upcoming child star Jayden Smith. At the end of the year for Christmas, they mail the clippings as presents to friends and family across the world. Yuck. Yuck.
Word On The Street: Joaquin Phoenix is a Minotaur!!! (PHOTOS!)
The taco truck guy down the street from my house told me he’s Joaquin Phoenix’s neighbor and he’s been watching him over his fence for the past year. Joaquin has been turning into a Minotaur and has been forced to hire a construction crew to build a labyrinth around himself in order to protect his family from inevitable bowel dismemberment.
No Yucky people by Mr. Rich
Penises and vaginas are the best, but smell the worst.
Armpits and feet love to be tickled, but who wants to touch those stinky things?
We kiss as a sign of affection, but if you don’t brush your teeth for one day, your shit is rank.
No, I do not want your soft taco - By Jacob Shelton
I appreciate what you’re trying to do Steven, I really do, but why don’t you hold on to that soft taco? It’s not that I’m not hungry, because it is lunch time and, admittedly, I get very hungry around this time of day. It’s just that I don’t want the soft taco that’s been sitting in the passenger seat of your Volvo for God knows how long. Yes, I’m aware that it hasn’t been baking under the rays of the sun, magnified by your non-tinted windows (I didn’t even know they made windows without tint anymore) for more than twenty minutes, but still.