January 12, 2015

Double - O - Dumbass

January 12, 2015/ Nacho

A light afternoon mist poured over a massive manicured lawn. Groups of tables and chairs each with an enormous vase of flowers and two opened bottles of white and red wine were strewn everywhere. They were being attended to by hundreds of 20-30 somethings in white collared shirts. They were the catering. I was a fucking caterer.

It was good money though. I knew walking in I’d be leaving with over $100 and a huge free meal. What I didn’t know was that over the course of the night my friend would reveal a side of him I’d never known before.

January 01, 2015

Medical Exam by Sir Surly Fetus

January 01, 2015/ Sir Surly Fetus

I don't like to brag but, for someone who has not yet turned thirty - or forty, for that matter - I've had quite a few prostate and rectal exams. As a result, I now approach the prospect of undergoing such exams with relative ease. I also fancy myself something of a connoisseur in the domain of bowel movement regularity as a "haver" of IBS. In fact, a separate blog entry may have to be devoted to this topic exclusively, as my knowledge of dietary fiber sources, stool softeners and laxatives, as well as of coping with cramps and flatulence, can hardly be contained in the confines of a modest paragraph. Those of you who cannot bear to wait for my next article to be enlightened by my scatological expertise are encouraged to contact me privately. Please include the phrase "help me shit" in the subject line of your email.

December 02, 2014

The Golden Ticket

December 02, 2014/ Mr. Rich

In 1993, a movie called “Last Action Hero” was released to the world and a specific aspect of it has always stuck with and intrigued me. I’m not here to argue that this is a great movie(although it is pretty fuckin’ good) or that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the shit and has acted in some of the greatest movies ever made(Twins, Junior, Jingle All The Way). I am here to discuss a golden ticket that gave you entrance into something amazing and it wasn’t into a retarded chocolate factory.

Before J. J. Abrams copyrighted lens flares, before Charles Dance was cutting apart animals on Game of Thrones, and even before Bridgette Wilson-Sampras got old and gave up on life, we were introduced to this(yet another) random Arnie movie. But this time the plot device was a golden ticket, supposedly bestowed with magic by Houdini, that allowed its owner to travel in and out of movies at will. AWESOME! Unfortunately, the owner of this ticket is a runty little brat with no imagination and once it falls into the hands of somebody with a little more creativity, his head explodes. He spoke of bringing a group of famous villains into the world, I’m here to kick it up a notch.

November 26, 2014

How to Get the Girl

November 26, 2014/ Mr. Forkface Digitalis

So You've got Your sights set on the perfect girl, huh?

She's got a perfect smile, perfect boobs, and perfect soul. She goes to the same Circle K you go to, buys the same swisher sweets you buy; she gets the same weed from the same guy you do, and has the same stds you have. But how do You go from standing in the Circle K line to watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze with her, while she finds out the secret to your ooze with a careless handjob as Vanilla Ice sings 'Go Ninja Go Ninja Go!'?