The Golden Ticket

Art By Dylan Davis

Art By Dylan Davis

In 1993, a movie called “Last Action Hero” was released to the world and a specific aspect of it has always stuck with and intrigued me.  I’m not here to argue that this is a great movie(although it is pretty fuckin’ good) or that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the shit and has acted in some of the greatest movies ever made(Twins, Junior, Jingle All The Way).  I am here to discuss a golden ticket that gave you entrance into something amazing and it wasn’t into a retarded chocolate factory.


Before J. J. Abrams copyrighted lens flares, before Charles Dance was cutting apart animals on Game of Thrones, and even before Bridgette Wilson-Sampras got old and gave up on life, we were introduced to this(yet another) random Arnie movie.  But this time the plot device was a golden ticket, supposedly bestowed with magic by Houdini, that allowed its owner to travel in and out of movies at will.  AWESOME!   Unfortunately, the owner of this ticket is a runty little brat with no imagination and once it falls into the hands of somebody with a little more creativity, his head explodes.  He spoke of bringing a group of famous villains into the world, I’m here to kick it up a notch.


Part One: My Trophy Collection

    Every nerd has memorabilia, but instead of crappy overpriced pieces of crap that will break the second you walk out of the Wal-mart you just stole them from, I’ll have the real thing.

    -Item 1: Back To The Future “Hoverboard”- For cruisin’ around in style and mackin’ on the dimestore hookers.  And no, I don’t want the DeLorean because it’s a shit car and takes five hours to hit 88 miles per hour.  “But you can travel through time with it.”, you whiningly inquire to me.  I have a goddamn ticket that let’s me into any movie!  There’s a movie set in every era known to man.  Just shut up and let me finish.


    -Item 2: Star Wars “Lightsaber”- For doing anything and everything I can come up with: chopping down mailboxes while shmobbin’ on my hoverboard, showing it to people and not letting them hold it, killing local pigeons, and opening beer bottles.


    -Item 3: The Sandlot “PF Flyers”- Yes, yes, I can buy those on the internet.  But, can I knock Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez the fuck out and gaffle his pair on the internet?  Nope.


    -Item 4: Goldeneye “Pen Boris takes from Bond and twirls”- I just want it.

Obviously this list could go on forever; Doctor Who’s screwdriver or a Ghostbuster proton pack.  Any collection would expand and evolve with time, it really would just depend on your style and if you’d ever be satisfied.  Probably not.


Phase Two: Operation-”Bang all the famous chicks”

    I can accept that I will never get to bang any famous chicks in the real world, but the fact is that a ton of them have played roles where they would fuck anything or fuck anything for money.  That’s where I come in.  Pun intended.


    -Julia Roberts: Pretty Woman: Whore- Guess what, snap a necklace box at her, I’m getting laid.


    -Elisabeth Shue: Leaving Las Vegas: Whore- Drop some bills, I bangin’ Daniel son’s ex-old lady.


    -Christina Ricci: Black Snake Moan: Super Slut- Just whip it out and she was ‘bout it.  And she was Bangin’ in that movie.


    -Patricia Arquette: True Romance: Whore- Just gotta get in there before Christian Slater does and I’m set.  Don’t need to be Eskimo brothers with that guy.

Anyway, this list is huge.  So many options.  And since I can walk into any scene with money in it, snag a wad of cash and just peace out, I’ll have all the skank money I could ever wish for.

Step 3: Live forever and meet God to rub it in his face

    So yeah, say you want to live for hella long and you’re cool with dying and shit.  You can go into Bicentennial Man and get all the replacement organs you want.  Or, if you wanna be a vampire, take your pick.  Just pop into Interview with a Vampire and get Lestat or bitch-ass Louis to turn you.  No, I don’t give a rats ass if you like Twilight.  If you don’t want to swizzle blood cuz you’re a cry baby, hit up The Fountain and drink the sap from that life tree and woo-tee-woo, you live forever.  Then while you’re at it you might as well go hit up your higher power and rub it in their face. If you think aliens are responsible for everything, you can go talk to them at the end of A.I..  The easy choice is God.  He’s in everything.  I’d probably go hit him up in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.  Appear…”Whadup Loser!”...disappear.  I could definitely taunt God for a long time.

Amazing absurdities like this pop up in movies all the time, but they don’t delve further into the concept and possibilities of them.  You’re left begging they make a sequel or a spin-off or someone steals the idea and bases a movie around it.  In the end, you got a permanent “Get Out of Jail Free” card and the only draw back is if you are boring.  So keep that brain punching out new ideas who knows where your road of mayhem will lead.