Never Shit For Free

Art by Dylan Davis

Art by Dylan Davis

Working a minimum wage job is a constant struggle; how little can you do and not get fired? Finding that balance takes experience and street smarts. Learning the jungle law of corporate america can help you h@k DA $y$tEM.

Everyone knows the first rule of a minimum wage job: you never shit at home. Always get paid to shit. Well I've taken the bathroom experience to another level. Concealing my cellphone on my person has allowed me to loiter in the bathroom for up to 15-20 minutes at a time! Everyone will notice you spend all your time in the bathroom but no one can say anything. If they do you can sue them!

You have to break down your time at work though. Work is a vortex where time moves extremely slow. If you're taking a 10 minute break that's more like a 30 minute break. This is how I break it down:

1-2 Minute Mark: I start off by popping all my pimples over and over again working the tip of my strawberry nose to my red neck.

3-8 Minute Mark: Then piss/shit as needed and get on my snake game I've been trying to beat for two months.

9-10 Minute Mark: Then spend the rest staring at myself in the mirror psyching myself up for real life and horrible interactions with customers.

There! You've already wasted 10 minutes!

If you don't plan your trip you'll go insane. You'll sit there, imagining all the managers talking in a circle,

"He smells like weed every morning."

"Why does he stare at all the girls like that when he works the fitting room."

"He's worn that shirt for the last six days."

Keep your shit together. Just divide the number of hours you have left into five minute segments and focus on every second as a ever speeding moment flushing your brain with new reality. Phew, I'm high.