Jacob Shelton 6/10/22 Jacob Shelton 6/10/22

I Need To Make My Life More Interesting

This morning I woke up with the strangest feeling – I don’t want to do anything. Oh sure I’ll make coffee and put on a robe so I don’t flash the neighbors peeking through my curtains, but when it comes to doing any actual work it’s just not happening. Case in point: In the middle of the last sentence I stopped to watch an episode of Survivor before staring out the window for 20 to 30 minutes.

Jacob Shelton 2/26/20 Jacob Shelton 2/26/20

Five Scenes In Dawson’s Creek That Were Almost Ruined Because A Mummy Walked On Set And Tried To Wrap People Up In Mummy Tape

Has there ever been a television series that captured what it was like to come of age while living next to mummy infested waters the way Dawson’s Creek did? Not in my book. The Creek filmed in Wilmington, North Carolina, an area famously rotten with mummies. And while the picturesque landscapes helped cement the idea of the idyllic town of Dawson’s Creek, it was almost all for not because of those dang mummies.

Mr. Forkface Digitalis 12/17/14 Mr. Forkface Digitalis 12/17/14

Why I Hate TV By Forkface Digitalis

Mr. Forkface Digitalis 10/20/14 Mr. Forkface Digitalis 10/20/14

How to Fit into Society by Watching TV!

1. Watch a lot of TV

Pay careful attention to what is important to the People on the moving box. What do they talk about? What do they not talk about? How are those powerful cosmic beings pretending to be awkward, ineffectual dolts? Pay attention, You'll be doing the same things.

Pay attention to the 'real' names of the people on the box. These are your new friends. They are going to teach you everything you need to know about living in this society and fitting in. Let me introduce you to a friend of mine: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Now that You've watched Kindergarten Cop, and spent a little time with him, do you like him? He's very charming and entertaining isn't he? One likable motherfucker if I do say so myself.

Well guess what? You're not the only one who thinks so. Everyone likes Arnold. Everyone thinks of Arnold as their best drinking buddy. And You do too! So now when You meet someone, you have a friend in common! Ask them if they've seen Kindergarten Cop or if they know your good friend Arnold Schwarzenegger! Your mutual appreciation for your mutual friend Arnold will help cement trust and social credibility. Somewhere deep in the mind of your new friend, they'll be thinking, "If they're good enough to be Arnold's friend, they're good enough to be my friend! A friend of Arnold's is a friend of mine!"

KEEP READING! CLICK HERE!

Molly

Fuck You, Kill Pretty! Also, Love You

WOW - ever since Kill Pretty put out a call for a new president we’ve gotten some buck-wild responses, including our first official rejection letter.

How To Milk Yourself (Even As A Non-Lactator!)

Did you know you can milk yourself even without becoming pregnant? It’s true! And you can start today with Kill Pretty’s essential guide on how to self-milk. You might be wondering, why milk yourself? Besides the fact that it’s really fun, colostrum (the precursor to breast milk) is full of antibodies, proteins, vitamins and minerals that can heal most anything.

6.66 Things You Didn't Know Palantir Knows About You

Now that most of us are starting to realize we live in a surveillance state (we’ve actually been here for quite awhile, but welcome to those just figuring this out!), it’s time to start asking, what DOES Palantir know about us?

Don’t you worry! Kill Pretty has put together a short list for you of 6.66 things you didn’t know that they know, but they do. And now you know too - you’re welcome.

Which hand and household appliance you masturbate with.
The exact Pantone of your asshole.
GPS coordinates of the last known location of your dignity.
Your most shameful Uber Eats delivery. (you know the one)
Your lowest bowling score.
Your new god.
.66 - Bad Bunny is cool but have you checked out the Antichrist?

Nacho

kzam, kzam gtb, gtb, graffiti interview, bay area graffiti writer, bay area legend, legendary graffiti writer

KZAM GTB Interview!

Kill Pretty: What’s your earliest graffiti memory?

KZAM: I had a little marker, and I remember just drawing anarchy signs all over the neighborhood. I'd never done graffiti before that, but that's the first time that I remember doing it. I grew up in Palo Alto area and saw a lot of ORFN and stuff like that, MARVL. I actually met ORFN and he gave me a Pilot when I was tagging in the tunnel at the Palo Alto train station with a Sharpie, and he came up and he... I forget what I even wrote back then, but he came up and saw me with this little tiny Sharpie, and gave me a big Pilot, and he hit up ORFN and I was like "Oh, shit!" I'd seen him everywhere. And it was kind of cool to meet him in person. But honestly I was like 11, 12 years old.