This morning I woke up with the strangest feeling – I don’t want to do anything. Oh sure I’ll make coffee and put on a robe so I don’t flash the neighbors peeking through my curtains, but when it comes to doing any actual work it’s just not happening. Case in point: In the middle of the last sentence I stopped to watch an episode of Survivor before staring out the window for 20 to 30 minutes.
Read MoreHas there ever been a television series that captured what it was like to come of age while living next to mummy infested waters the way Dawson’s Creek did? Not in my book. The Creek filmed in Wilmington, North Carolina, an area famously rotten with mummies. And while the picturesque landscapes helped cement the idea of the idyllic town of Dawson’s Creek, it was almost all for not because of those dang mummies.
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Art by Tomas Brewer
I don't like television.
Not just for the usual reasons; 6 corporations controlling the information and trying to sell You stupid shit.
Well, let's start with the stupid shit selling. Commercials are SO INSULTING and NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT! They treat You like You're literally retarded!!
“Good mothers use tide. You’re kind of a piece of shit if You don’t. You don’t have Life insurance? How do You live without the piece of mind? What kind of meaningless black hole of existence do you live in where You’re not enjoy the refreshing taste of a Coca Cola right now? Did You forget that Coca Cola exists? Not if We can help it!”
Before You ever start watching tv, somebody should sit You down and explain to You what's about to happen: "Groups of the most advanced mind benders are going to FUCK with Your head in every way possible to get You to buy stuff."
These are Marketing Samurai dedicated to altering Your mind and they mean business. Making adjustments. Just straight up fucking with Your head. So are You down with that?"
"⚡Fuck Yeah⚡, I did push the button, didn't I? Power on, motherfucker!¡ You wanna activate all Your mental screwdrivers and lasers and weapons systems directly at My fucking mind? Rock and roll! Rock and roll because Barbara Walters looks like she totally just shat her pants at the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade. Rock and Roll because the waitress's little angel is watching Robocop II while mommy's friend shows Mommy his new advanced yoga move: "The Pussy-Blaster." Rock and Roll because Lindsay Lohan's asshole prolapsed on TMZ's "Who's that hole?"
My least favorite thing about tv is that it's not interactive!
Someone on tv can say whatever they want to Your face... and You can never punch them in theirs. The biggest most fucked up well engineered weapon of mass destruction of a lie; and it doesn't matter how insulting it is, or how much it flips You the fuck out because it's psycho, or bullshit, or it's condescending. It doesn't matter how much You scream and shout, You can't do anything about it! It's a one way channel, man. They give 0 fucks. They tell You what to think and feel and Your feedback is not welcome, Motherfuckarrr! The medium is the message and the message is a middle finger!
You see them saying this shit on tv, or portraying a flattened and distorted fun-house mirror image worldview of the Universe, and they make it look like it's the one complete, collective, group consciousness, agreed upon stuff; but it's fucking dumb. Duuuuuuuuuuumb! So so very very ♪♫dum, dah-dum-dum, DUMB♪♫. I swear the stupid is highly fucking contagious. The dumb vapid immature view of humanity and the universe rubs off on motherfuckers- because they have to assume that everyone else is operating from the same whacked out view of the world that tv is portraying! So motherfuckers get their worldview pushed around to fit the tv's horseshit hallucinations!
They're always trying to get motherfuckers to hallucinate and be terrified of every stupid fucking statistically insignificant misfortune one could ever befall, from terrorism to heart failure, you know how they are.
They promote such fucking cowardice! Insane cowardice, from “No one will fuck you if you don’t buy our deodorant” to “You’ve been shot, We’ve got to get you to a hospital!” If they had television in Teddy Roosevelt’s day, He’d have never made it to work with all the getting shot and going to hospitals.
"Holy shit there's dudes across the planet in caves with machine guns! We must freak out and pass the new 'National Not Having a Mouth Bit Freedom Act', which will launch a 60 billion dollar campaign to liberate humans everywhere from the lack of a metal bit in their mouth strapped in place at all times by the use of a inexpensive, yet indestructible kevlar face harness, and it comes with a new and improved social structure!"
Actually that's pretty bold and audacious. Perhaps I've been envying the fuck stomp take no prisoners attitude of the creators of television programming. *gasp* I'm pissed off because I'm jealous that THEY get to infect a captive audience of millions of people with THEIR shitty ideas.
I take back everything bad I ever said about the sacred talking box. Just in time to fuck up some 'Bad Judge.'
Pay careful attention to what is important to the People on the moving box. What do they talk about? What do they not talk about? How are those powerful cosmic beings pretending to be awkward, ineffectual dolts? Pay attention, You'll be doing the same things.
Pay attention to the 'real' names of the people on the box. These are your new friends. They are going to teach you everything you need to know about living in this society and fitting in. Let me introduce you to a friend of mine: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Now that You've watched Kindergarten Cop, and spent a little time with him, do you like him? He's very charming and entertaining isn't he? One likable motherfucker if I do say so myself.
Well guess what? You're not the only one who thinks so. Everyone likes Arnold. Everyone thinks of Arnold as their best drinking buddy. And You do too! So now when You meet someone, you have a friend in common! Ask them if they've seen Kindergarten Cop or if they know your good friend Arnold Schwarzenegger! Your mutual appreciation for your mutual friend Arnold will help cement trust and social credibility. Somewhere deep in the mind of your new friend, they'll be thinking, "If they're good enough to be Arnold's friend, they're good enough to be my friend! A friend of Arnold's is a friend of mine!"
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