An 8th Grader Reviews Cigarettes
Our friends little brother some how got a copy of Kill Pretty and now is begging us to let him write an article. He’s a little kid so we let him do the one thing he’s good at, complain. We went to the store and bought him five packs of cigarettes, don’t worry their lights, so he could smoke each pack and let us know what he thinks. Here’s his reviews..
Quarantine No Nos
We’re crawling up the walls, baking every bread that can be baked. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Joshua Tree. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Palm Springs. We’re baking bread with our photogenic dogs and vacation pods in Joshua Tree and Palm Springs. We’ll never leave quarantine, we’ll let the virus burn through us until the only people left are COVID free by default. You can cross your fingers and hope that you make it to 2021 without saddling your family without a hefty respirator bill, or you can avoid these Quarantine No Nos and continue pacing your studio apartment Coronavirus free.
Five Ways In Which Father Ruined My Slumber Party
Dear reader, you have no way of knowing the indignities that I’ve suffered because of father, that scoundrel of a man who’s deemed it his mission to make my life a living Heck. His antics are enough to make me want to swear out loud in front of Mother. He’s committed yet another series of atrocities, this time at the slumber party I hosted for my teammates on the fancy lad jumping rope team – here are the worst, although not all, of the acts committed by father.
An Excerpt From Our Interview With Mind Detrgnt
To read the full interview pick up issue 5, a thing you can do by clicking this link! Wow! HTML!
KP: What's Memphis like for graffiti?
MD: It's an awful place for graffiti. The biggest crew there is UH crew. I don't really like their shit, but that's what I grew up around. I didn't do shit like theirs. They do all that weird *makes ninja noises* crazy you know, complicated, illegible pieces and shit like that. I was never that into it. Me and my homie, we were both runaways and we would do shitty tags on Lexuses and shit like that. Me and him both wrote MIND DETRGNT. He never really got that into graffiti. He ended up getting more into music. He still plays music as MIND DETRGNT and he still makes collages that are MIND DETRGNT collages that are really cool. I used to do collages but I don't any more.
Kill Pretty Reviews: Being Tied To The Wheel
Being tied to the wheel is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me, but I don’t want to write a review of something and just give it a one out of ten because it was a harrowing experience. I can see how some people would really enjoy being strapped to the wheel and spun around like some kind of rudimentary Wheel of Fortune board game piece.
Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdoch St. James
Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Whats App message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
The Peacock King - A Lesson in Horror-Fu
When the four holes to Hell open up and Hell King is all pissed off and ready to fuck some shit up, who do you call? Two horny monks that have been training their whole lives! Yep, you heard me right, the Hell King is coming back to earth and we gotta stop him!
Kill Pretty Reviews: Thinking
As a professional thinker of sorts you’d assume that I’d give this explosion of electrons and neurons an instant 11 out of 10. That I’d be so high on my think throne that thinking would be my shit. Well you’re wrong. Thinking can go jump in a lake for all I care.
Call Satan Live Episode 2 - Demon Acid
The second episode is up! The minion takes acid in a butt, a girl poops in a cup and there’s a car crash, I promise!
Kill Pretty Reviews: Day Drinking
Day drinking offers the perverse pleasure of being on a slightly different wavelength than everyone else, but without having to take PCP or slam your head into a wall. It’s usually hot outside whenever you’re day drinking (or at least when I’m day drinking), and who doesn’t love downing half a bottle of champagne in the middle of 95 degree heat?
Nigel Wensleydale’s Five Favourite Things About Summer
The delight of summer is nearly at an end and the dreary winter months are approaching. It’s in this bleak time that I reminisce about my favourite things about summer, when father is away and when the fireflies are popping in their jars.