Little-old-man-turned-Internet-villain Bill Cosby was spotted over the weekend eating a piece of fruit. No confirmation yet as to what kind of fruit it was, but it was probably one of the types of fruits that grows on trees and definitely not the gay kind because everyone knows now that Bill Cosby likes pussy.
Read MoreLittle-old-man-turned-Internet-villain Bill Cosby was spotted over the weekend eating a piece of fruit. No confirmation yet as to what kind of fruit it was, but it was probably one of the types of fruits that grows on trees and definitely not the gay kind because everyone knows now that Bill Cosby likes pussy.
Read MoreLet's Check-In With Jessica Simpson!
Jessica Simpson will go shopping sometime next week week at an outdoor mall in Century City. She'll purchase a huge black tote bag, so black it is almost navy blue. Then she will waltz into a craft store and cut snowflakes out of a fragile antique brocade, so valuable and pretty and rare that the salesgirl cries real tears onto the floor...the commission on the sale alone will pay for many generations of her family (yet to even be born!) to attend the career colleges of their choice. Or not.
Moments later, Jessica will walk through the plate glass window of the high end kitchen supply store, "Sur Le Tablė." The blood red melamine dinnerware of next seasons stock will be called "Platelets" a "must have," according to Elle Decor and a huge success for the family run business in Atacapia, Illinois that manufactures them.
Simpson will get a cut of the profits and continue being insanely rich, boring and dumber than a placemat.
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Art by TV CAT
I've been thinking a lot about how shitty How I Met Your Mother is recently. At work I’m forced to watch shows like this with laugh tracks by my zombie co-workers and it's so fucking unfunny you find yourself standing there with your jaw dropped like you’re watching old people argue about tattoos on Fox News.
The fact that garbage like this is one of the number one shows in America and the show had an average of 9.42 million viewers just for season 4 blows my mind. I mean I know people are dumb but you can tell even the actors hate their own show. You know $20,000 a week is considered a very low paying position acting on a sitcom? Don’t fool yourself, this is a paycheck for them. Nothing more.
I think the gap between audiences that watch Big Bang Theory instead of The Wire will get bigger and bigger until there are two classes of media junkies. The Smart People and The Dumb People.
At first it will be great. The Smart People will make awesome shit like Breaking Bad or Curb Your Enthusiasm and we can all ignore all The Dumb People channels. But the problem is The Dumb People will have funny shit that The Smart People wanna see. Eventually The Smart People think it's funny and ironic to imitate The Dumb People and The Dumb People will do the Scary Movie Six of Smart People movies until The Smart People are stuck loving The Dumb People shit and then The Dumb People keep making dumb shit until it's all just dumb.
Is Neil Patrick Harris Available? You Bet He is!
Omnipresent-Multi-Faceted-Ellen-Degeneresqe-But-Butcher-Than-Seth-MacFarlane-Will-Ever-Be-Powder-Puff-A-Gay-Gurrl Neil Patrick Harris has been tapped to emcee the 2015 Oscar Telecast.
What a deal for Neil! He really needs the exposure, doesn't he? The "versatile performer" (that's what the Hollywood Reporter called him) and "total power top" (that's what he calls himself) has only hosted a few awards shows in his flash in the pan, barely noticed career-reign over all of mass media. And by a "few" I mean four times at the helm of The Tonys and twice steering broadcasts of Oscar's mixed-race-adopted-sister-with Aspergers-and-a-food-allergy The Emmys. He even won four Emmys for his Tony Shows! So meta!
The Hollywood Reporter went on to gush breathlessly that he'll "also have a rooting interest in one of this year's awards hopefuls, since he's currently appearing in David Fincher's 'Gone Girl.'
Said Harris, "It is truly an honor and a thrill to be asked to host this year's Academy Awards." (It's next years, Neeeeiiiiiil.) Then, because he isn't captured on film in every known medium, every single freaking day, he released a video on Twitter and talked some more; his voice forever rippling throughout the universe with a mesmerizing melodious hum, vibrating on radio waves that glittered like opals!
"I grew up watching the Oscars and was always in such awe of some of the greats who hosted the show. To be asked to follow in the footsteps of Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Ellen DeGeneres, and everyone else who had the great fortune of hosting is a bucket list dream come true." Girl. Get gone! Make some room on the stage for those other hungry queens waiting in the wings. I'm not talking about me! I've got this gig. I'm talking about Mario Cantone. Poor little thing got a half-scale day rate on 'The View.'
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Read MoreCasting News!! Mariah Carey Lands Role in J.J. Abram's 'Star Wars'!
High-society-butterfly-loving-five-year-old-fat-girl Mariah Carey has been cast in the latest installment of the Star Wars franchise. When asked how he decided that she was right for the iconic role, J.J. said "I saw her (Mariah) eating whole buckets of deep fried cornish game hen at The Patio restaurant (at the Chateau Marmont) and knew she would be perfect and she told me her husband (Soon to be ex-husband, Nick Cannon, who everyone always says "Really?! He's married to her?!") chewed through the leash that Mariah had kept him tethered to her bedpost for the past few years. And it occurred to me that's just like the other Jabba did with Princess Leia in the other movie! But this one will be better with lens flares." Uh-huh. That's why he gets to "re-imagine" every damn movie franchise from our youth.
I can see the logic in his casting though. Jabba ate alien frogs, Mariah eats anything. And you know why? Because she's a diva. You don't get to tell a diva or a Jabba what to eat. I mean, she ate Nick Cannon's soul, didn't she?
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