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Casting News!! Mariah Carey Lands Role in J.J. Abram's 'Star Wars'!

High-society-butterfly-loving-five-year-old-fat-girl Mariah Carey has been cast in the latest installment of the Star Wars franchise. When asked how he decided that she was right for the iconic role, J.J. said "I saw her (Mariah) eating whole buckets of deep fried cornish game hen at The Patio restaurant (at the Chateau Marmont) and knew she would be perfect and she told me her husband (Soon to be ex-husband, Nick Cannon, who everyone always says "Really?! He's married to her?!") chewed through the leash that Mariah had kept him tethered to her bedpost for the past few years. And it occurred to me that's just like the other Jabba did with Princess Leia in the other movie! But this one will be better with lens flares." Uh-huh. That's why he gets to "re-imagine" every damn movie franchise from our youth.

I can see the logic in his casting though. Jabba ate alien frogs, Mariah eats anything. And you know why? Because she's a diva. You don't get to tell a diva or a Jabba what to eat. I mean, she ate Nick Cannon's soul, didn't she?

Hooks, Fishing Lines, and that Sinking Feeling

Amanda Bynes, 29, is telling friends (i.e. magazine reporters that want the label "conducted Amanda's last interview before she croaked") that she's engaged to Caleb, some 19 year old dude that works at a bait shop in Costa Mesa, CA. Says Amanda,

I am very needy for friendship and I hate men. I want to f--k them, but I can now say Im engaged ... get away from me."

She's going to hate being married to Caleb, I just know it. All the f--g that she has done in the past six months has been with Waka Flocka Flame's entourage. There's no denying, Amanda. I know, I know you've been brushing up on your reading skills during downtime in your 5150 hold with that dog-eared copy of the classic 1976 book "The Black Penis, Fact or Fiction" and everyone under the sun, moon and stars knows that nineteen year old braggart surf brahs from Kowsta Meza that work at goddamn bait shops lie about the size of their dicks. You want to give Caleb conservatorship over your crazy-non-Drake-murded-bedazzled-vagina? Then you are setting yourself up for a major disappointment. Amirite?

Kanye Don't Flush the Golden Toilet, I'm Gonna Keep Our Baby

Kim Kardashian is so stupid she missed her period for three weeks, took a huge dump and thought she had a baby. And Khloe dressed it up in a hoodie from their store, Dash (which, little-known-fact, also doubles as a portal to hell). Everybody knew it was a piece of shit, but Kris Jenner sold the pictures to People Magazine and they ran them anyway. I suspect Kelly Ripa may win a Peabody in Investigative Journalism though. During an interview on "Live!" a few days ago, Kelly kept asking Kim, "How come it doesn't have any eyes?"


Fuck George Clooney's Wedding

Tasteless hack George Clooney wore a beard to his wedding and he didn't shave. Just kidding, he's not gay anymore because he married a human female woman named Amal Nitrate. Nitrate is how you pronounce Alamuddin in Italian. Corrette?

George went beyond-ostentatious with the venue. What is it with the zillionaire power couples that they have to do these "destination weddings?" Sure George, I'll just go grab a couple of first class tickets to Venice, Italy because what the hell, last minute international flights are affordable...oh what's that? You only invited one hundred of your "closest A-List pals?" Well great! Never mind then! I'll just look up your gift registry and send you and Amal something off of that. What would look good in your Lake Como house...oh...that's a little is that. You know what? I didn't get invited so forget it.

Anyway, George and the human female woman sashayed down a gilded hall in the Canal Grande Hotel and were married by the Mayor of fucking Rome under an arch of "imported white roses." The roses had to be imported because you can not get white roses in Italy; the Vatican buys them all first, and also, George is super rich and can import flowers to anywhere he wants to import them to, and probably had the land they were grown on salted and ruined, never to grow roses again.

There's something really special about having your special day take place in a special historic building where a group of young female consorts of the Kingdom of Two Sicilies were brutally garroted and murdered by a sadistic Carraran prince in 1603, but what the heck, love knows no boundaries, right?


Beyoncé Has Bangs Now!

Oh my gosh you guys, Beyoncé has bangs now!! Did you read that right? Bangs! She got her haircut and she has bangs! I just really like saying the words "bangs" and "Beyoncé." I ran into Jay-Z the other day and said those words to him and he punched me in the face. A few days later, he wrote me a very nice apology letter on crack-scented-stationary in which he also promised to produce my first rap single "My Cum Tastes Like Cotton Candy."

Then, I was whisked away on a private jet to Paris and he and I and Blue Ivy all went to the Louvre. Standing in front of the Mona Lisa, he punched me in the face again! I'm pretty sure that we're tight. Have you been punched in the face by Jay-Z ever? Yeah, that's what I thought. Now I need to go and write my second rap single.