CEOs, while you’re bouncing out of your e-beds at 4am to check stock prices, meet with your robo-trainer, and place phone calls to China, there’s another group of people who tucked away comfortably in their bunk beds dreaming of ways to screw you over – millennials. All these 22 to 37 year olds want to do is hang out with their five roommates and talk about which 90s cartoon best describes their love language, a fine pursuit for a Saturday afternoon, but these oversized children want to get into it on a Tuesday afternoon. That’s when you’re working the hardest.
The worst part of this whole ruddy thing is that millennials won’t even come out and admit that they don’t want to work. Studies have shown that millennials are more likely to fib in order to get out of work rather than get a note from a doctor, parent, or guardian. Millennials drop their white lies like cats dropping dead mice at the street (which is to say quite easily), and this kind of thing can hurt a business professional like yourself, a CEO who only wants to provide love and a comfortable $11/hour wage. How do you know if a millennial is lying to get out of work? If you hear one of these phrases, get out the fib stick and shake it with all your might.
1. My mother has been forced into indentured servitude to a crow and I must slay the beast in order to set her free.
2. I have broken through the walls of consciousness and found only more of myself; I must take a personal day to contemplate my bleak reality.
3. A tiny 9/11 has occurred in my apartment and I have to assist in the clean up.
4. A quarantine has been enacted around my apartment building and I’m stuck inside. I must learn to breathe the destructive gas or die like the vermin who are so unfairly targeted.
5. The roots of the Earth have sprung up and entangled me in bed; I’ll try to make it into the office if I can free myself before noon.