Dating Advice For Creeps

Man, woman, gender non-conforming – no matter how you identify, if you’re a creep then you know how hard it is to find someone who really likes you for you. How long should you wait after meeting someone to let them know you’re a creep? Do you ease them into your inherent creepiness or do you toss them in the deep end right away? Everyone is different, and there’s no perfect way to enhance your love life if you’re a dyed in the wool weirdo, but I’ve put together some dating tips for all you creeps out there, and I think they might help you find the person you’re looking for.

Insist That You Watch Hellraiser

Jesus… kissed?

Jesus… kissed?

Why keep the pleasures of the flesh to yourself? Clive Barker’s psycho-sexual horror classic is the ideal barometer for knowing if someone likes you, or is at least willing to put up with you for an evening. They’ll either want to watch the movie because they’re also a creep (studies by both MIT and Browder have shown that every creep is deeply fascinated by Nail Face), or they’ll want to smooch while the characters inflict unspeakable violence on one another.

However there’s also the less exciting third option: Your date will be so grossed out by your choice of entertainment that they’ll just leave. The upside is that you get to watch Hellraiser alone, which isn’t so bad.

Show Them Your Monster Hands

Let me touch you with my monster hands, please!

Let me touch you with my monster hands, please!

Why wouldn’t you show off your lovely little monster hands? You didn’t make them to hide them away. You’ve manifested these hands from your imagination and you should be proud of them, now take them off of your mini Christmas tree and show them off. Let the apple of your eye wear your hands, or you can wear them while you caress their angel soft hair. The opportunities for fun are endless with your monster hands.

Who Can Fit Inside The Suitcase?

Where do you keep your favorite suitcase? I keep mine on top of a bookshelf. I’m looking at it right now. It’s brown, it has a pair of silver latches, and I can stand inside of it and still have enough room to fit a mini cactus and some sidewalk chalk. Everyone that comes over has to find out if they fit in the suitcase, and so far everyone’s been suitcase friendly. I’ve never had a second date.

Speak Through The Megaphone

There’s only one way to show that you really mean what you’re saying and that’s by speaking through the megaphone. Make sure you fill it up with brand new C batteries and tell your loudest secrets to a person you just met on Tinder, Bumble, Kissapp, or Boicrazy.

Prepare A Mighty Fish Dinner

If your evening ends up going the distance – whether that means having sex or staying up until three arranging your VHS collection – you’ll need protein dripping from your pores. Don’t go out to eat at that trendy new whey restaurant. Instead, carb up with a sea bass, or trout for two. Your date will swoon at your masterful abilities with a boning knife, and nose scientists recently discovered that the smell of a fish baking in the oven is one of the most power aphrodisiacs known to man.