There are a few things that you can buy to take your apartment to the next level: matching bookshelves, a bar cart, and a good houseplant, at least that’s what big Plant wants you to think. They may be beautiful, they may be luscious, and they may help cover that stain on your wall that won’t go away, but many houseplants are hardened criminals who want to squeeze every penny they can out of you. Let this be a warning to all would-be botanists out there: kill your houseplants.

1. They Steal Your Breath While You Sleep

A myth often attributed to cats and goblins, scientific studies have revealed that it’s actually houseplants that suck the breath out of your body while you sleep. Larger potted plants like the Mass Cane or Bird of Paradise take small sips of oxygen from your lungs from a distance, but wandering plants like Ivy and Pothos have been known to crawl onto a person’s chest at night and make a meal out of whatever’s available in their lungs.

2. There’s Only So Much Sun (And Plants Are Taking It)

Are you getting enough Vitamin D? If you have even one houseplant the answer is a resounding no. The sun is burning out at an exponentially faster rate, and thanks to needy houseplants that interstellar death is going to happen before we know it. To totally slow the sun’s imminent death we’d have to destroy all plant life on Earth (which sounds great but who has the time), but you can do your part by throwing your houseplants into an incinerator. The sun (and all those babes with bodacious tans) will thank you.

3. Cacti Are Notoriously Violent Offenders

Admit it. Someone either bought a cactus for you because you’re awful at taking care of plants or you bought one because they look cool and you’re awful at taking care of plants. That’s all well and good, but did you know that 73% of cacti have been arrested on weapons charges? After parole many cacti dive right back into a life of crime and many of them are carrying out smuggling and weapons rings from the comfort of YOUR HOME. Are you ready to be an accessory to cacti crimes? Didn’t think so.

4. The Snake Plant Is Not Made Of Snakes

How do you feel about housing and feeding liars? I’m not talking about Steve (who is definitely gambling again by the way), I’m talking about the Snake Plant. The only thing these plants have in common with our slithery, poisonous friends is the way it looks. The green and yellow bands are impressive, but snakes they are not. How great would it be to have three or four snakes flailing around in a pot full of dirt at all hours? You could feed them mice and throw them at people who were giving you grief. Instead you’ve just got a dumb plant on your hands.

5. Monstera Deliciosa Refuses To Name The Guardian Of The Amulet

At night I can hear the Monstera Deliciosa on my bookshelf muttering in an arcane language about the Amulet. It cackles to itself in the language of the old gods, yet it refuses to speak when the sun rises over the horizon. The Amulet must be destroyed lest the world be consumed by an age of darkness, but to do so we must find it first. The Monstera Deliciosa knows what dungeon crevice hold the Amulet but refuses to comply with my demands of naming its guardian, and for that it must be destroyed.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.