How To Contribute To Kill Pretty

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How To Contribute To Kill Pretty

So you’ve been reading Kill Pretty for years. You spend all your hard earned cash on the print issue and you’re not really sure what the publishing schedule for the online version is but you know you like it, or at the very least you tolerate its existence. But isn’t there something missing from Kill Pretty? Aside from a more regular schedule and, I don’t know, more nudity. It’s you dum-dum! Do you write personal essays that your mom would disown you if she read them? Do you illustrate weird cartoons that would get you interred in Shutter Island? A third thing that’s also weird and fits in the format of a website? Then send it over!

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We Talked To Corporate And They're Really Pissed About The Thing You Did In The Supply Room

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We Talked To Corporate And They're Really Pissed About The Thing You Did In The Supply Room

Maybe you don't read the memos we send out or maybe you're just a fan of flaunting the rules, but like it or not we're under the ownership of a corporation with global reach and that extends to the supply room. You know, the supply room where you did that thing. Yeah dude, everybody knows and corporate is pissed.

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How To Be Exciting And Cool

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How To Be Exciting And Cool

If you’re reading this it’s because a small part of you believes that not only are you uncool, but you’re extremely uninteresting. Or maybe just boring. Here are Kill Pretty we do everything we can to make the world a more outrageous/strange/fun/stupid place, which makes us both exciting and cool. We don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it goes. Heck, we’re not even typing this right now, that’s how much we don’t need to read this article. The article is being “written” by speaking into a robot constructed specifically to deal with anything uncool. Let’s just cut to the chase. There’s nothing cooler than brevity.

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How To Live Like Your Life Is A Video Game

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How To Live Like Your Life Is A Video Game

Modern life is the pits. People go to work. They go to school. They drive home. They eat. They shit. They go to sleep. Where are the boss battles? The robot friends who want to find a soul? The giant dragons flying through the sky as a mind throbbing score swells over the scene? These are just a few of the things that you’re missing out on by refusing to live like you’re in a video game. It’s time to reframe your life into something far more interesting than your regular day to day.

The most important step to living like you’re the main character of a video game is to decide what kind of game you’re inside. Is this an MMORPG with an open world where multiple players can come and go as they please? Or are you the only free thinker in a world of NPCs?

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How To Survive The Second Weekend Of Coachella

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How To Survive The Second Weekend Of Coachella

The first weekend of the 2022 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in Indio, California, has come and gone. It's dust in the wind, yesterday's news, a metaphor that people have stopped using. But there's still another weekend full of drugged out teens, expensive water, and influencers squeezing every drop of fame out of their final instagrammable moments. If you're throwing caution (and a shitload of money) to the wind to attend the second weekend of Coachella we've got some tips for you.

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Five Things You Can do TODAY Now That You're Fully Vaccinated

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Five Things You Can do TODAY Now That You're Fully Vaccinated

So you’ve done it. You’re an essential worker who’s 16 or older and you’ve faced down the needle in a Walgreens/CVS/baseball stadium parking lot and you’re free to walk the streets without fear of catching the dreaded coronavirus. In most cities and counties mask mandates are still in place, and it’s likely that at least half of your friends are still trying to find a vaccine appointment, so what can you do while you wait to hug everyone you know? I’m glad you asked.

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Five Reasons To Kill Your Houseplants

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Five Reasons To Kill Your Houseplants

There are a few things that you can buy to take your apartment to the next level: matching bookshelves, a bar cart, and a good houseplant, at least that’s what big Plant wants you to think. They may be beautiful, they may be luscious, and they may help cover that stain on your wall that won’t go away, but many houseplants are hardened criminals who want to squeeze every penny they can out of you. Let this be a warning to all would-be botanists out there: kill your houseplants.

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How To Meet That Special Someone While Waiting In Line For The Vaccine

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How To Meet That Special Someone While Waiting In Line For The Vaccine

One of the most intriguing aspects of 2021 is the vaccine crush. Or work vaccine husband/wife/partner. This doesn’t have to be someone that you’ve explicitly shown up with. It can be anyone. Are you like the rest of adults aged 21 - 40 and desperately trying to get vaccinated before the summer? Have you been following the breadcrumbs of alleged extra vaccines to every Walgreens and Rite-Aid in a 50 mile radius? Are you also trying to get it on or maybe establish a genuine romantic relationship with someone while standing in a parking lot? If so, here are some tips for turning the vaccine spark into a roaring fire of love.

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James: It's March!

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James: It's March!

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a personalized Post-It with ten must-read sex tips. Let’s get to it.

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I Want To Do Nothing

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I Want To Do Nothing

Ten years ago I didn’t think twice about spending all day stoned on the living room floor of my apartment while whatever movie marathon on the Syfy channel played. Today, if I decide to cruise the streets of San Andreas for a couple of hours on a Saturday I can feel the Grim Reaper hanging over my shoulder. When I turn to plot my escape I see his hollow eyes filled like double barrelled shotguns that shoot semi-automatic machine guns with bullets made of flamethrowers. With an arsenal like that there’s no way that I’ll achieve my dream of living forever.

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Terrible Fucking Advice with Murdock St. James: Holiday Edition

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Terrible Fucking Advice with Murdock St. James: Holiday Edition

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Christmas card with 10 festive sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

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