On Fridays we tend to run a funny little article about criminals burning in hell or people pretending to puke but today it’s all business because we need help buying a specific brick. We can’t tell you what we’ll be using the brick for, but we can say that it needs to be dense, easy to lift, and heavy enough to crush someone’s head into a big pile of goo. Let’s shop!
Read MoreThe world is a titter with NFT (that’s Non-fungible Token if you’re nasty) madness. The art world, the blogosphere, the BK Kids Club, everyone wants to get their hands on a little piece of digital art that they can call their own and then offload for anywhere between 40 and 60,000 bucks. As of this writing there are jpegs, pngs, and .wows of mutant apes, vast 3D landscapes, and piles and piles of incredibly well animated dicks, but if you’re like me (someone between the ages of 47 and 65 with a vast amount of disposable income) then you want an NFT that’s a bit more persona than everything you can find online at the moment.
Read MoreThere are a few things that you can buy to take your apartment to the next level: matching bookshelves, a bar cart, and a good houseplant, at least that’s what big Plant wants you to think. They may be beautiful, they may be luscious, and they may help cover that stain on your wall that won’t go away, but many houseplants are hardened criminals who want to squeeze every penny they can out of you. Let this be a warning to all would-be botanists out there: kill your houseplants.
Read MoreOne of the most intriguing aspects of 2021 is the vaccine crush. Or work vaccine husband/wife/partner. This doesn’t have to be someone that you’ve explicitly shown up with. It can be anyone. Are you like the rest of adults aged 21 - 40 and desperately trying to get vaccinated before the summer? Have you been following the breadcrumbs of alleged extra vaccines to every Walgreens and Rite-Aid in a 50 mile radius? Are you also trying to get it on or maybe establish a genuine romantic relationship with someone while standing in a parking lot? If so, here are some tips for turning the vaccine spark into a roaring fire of love.
Read MoreAs far as I can tell there was never a black hole behind my mom’s house, but there it was at the beginning of the pandemic. A black hole the size of a basketball hoop. I’m not a scientist or spaceologist but from what I can tell it’s been there for decades, maybe even hundreds of years, quietly expanding. I have to assume that the family who bought the house know about it, the small swirling vortex just past the back garden. You can’t miss it.
Read MoreAs towns, counties, and even entire states lock down over a so-called surge in coronavirus numbers, it’s up to you to show the American people that we’re living in a hypno-state controlled by a fear-based media that wants to keep us inside so we can consume hundreds of holiday movies produced by liberal outposts like Netflix, Lifetime, and The Hallmark Channel.
Read MoreThanksgiving sucks. Aside from being a holiday that low key celebrates the genocide of America’s indigenous people it also forces you to sit in a room with your family over a never ending series of savory dishes. Even if your family isn’t made up of MAGA C.H.U.Ds and anti-vaxxers there’s still a good chance that they’re annoying as hell to be around for more than a couple of hours. This year, parents are more desperate than ever to see their adult children sit around the turkey and drink the gravy. Rather than ignore their millionth phone call asking you to risk your life and lungs for an afternoon of cranberry bliss, try one of these foolproof excuses for avoiding the holiday.
Read MoreWe’re crawling up the walls, baking every bread that can be baked. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Joshua Tree. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Palm Springs. We’re baking bread with our photogenic dogs and vacation pods in Joshua Tree and Palm Springs. We’ll never leave quarantine, we’ll let the virus burn through us until the only people left are COVID free by default. You can cross your fingers and hope that you make it to 2021 without saddling your family without a hefty respirator bill, or you can avoid these Quarantine No Nos and continue pacing your studio apartment Coronavirus free.
Read MoreSexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Whats App message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
Read MoreThe delight of summer is nearly at an end and the dreary winter months are approaching. It’s in this bleak time that I reminisce about my favourite things about summer, when father is away and when the fireflies are popping in their jars.
Read MoreSexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
Read MoreKill Pretty spoke with five readers about how they spent Labor Day and their answers were as varied as our favorite nacho toppings. How did you spend your Labor Day? Basking in the sun or working for the man (hopefully for time and a half)?
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