Every year, cries about the war on Christmas spring up from the furthest reaches of the Internet (Facebook). Baptist mothers worry that the spirit of Christmas has been devalued, that there’s a war on the holiday, that it shouldn’t even be referred to as a “holiday,” and should instead just be called Christmas. As crazy as a war on Christmas sounds, it’s actually true. We’ve been deftly grinding holiday cheer into the ground for years out of spite and now we need your help.

Here are the war on Christmas there are no meetings, just directives. Okay so there’s really just one directive and it’s not even a directive, it’s more of a concept: ruin Christmas, but in a playful way. How? How can I join this roving gang of seasonal misfits? You ask. There are a few things you can do, and with a little elbow grease you too can be a cog in the plot to bring old Saint Nick to his jolly knees.

Use The Word “Holiday” As Often As Possible

There’s nothing that gets a Christmas-head’s goat like using the vague “holiday” instead of “Christmas.” The best part about this is it doesn’t matter how you use it. You can say “Happy Holidays,” or “What a great holiday,” or “I just put up my holiday lights,” and with each utterance of the H word you’ll shave away a little bit of the magic of Christmas the holiday.

Lick The Candy Canes

Every grocery store has an aisle dedicated to having a holly jolly Christmas, and every one of them is filled with candy canes that sell for pennies. Maybe nickels with inflation, I haven’t checked the price tags. It’s your job to lick each and every candy cane that you see. Will people who celebrate Christmas know what’s going on? Probably not. Are you going to have fun? Absolutely.

Destroy The Amulet

The power of Christmas is controlled by the amulet. To really, truly end Christmas once and for all you must take the amulet from the North Pole and cast it into the fires that are kept lit in the back room of any Spirit Halloween Store.

Spell The True Name of Christ in Christmas Lights

Jesus is a lot like Rumplestiltsken, if you guess his real name melts into a puddle of wine. The problem here is two-fold:

Jesus is hidden in Heaven and you’re never going there (sorry but it’s true)
He famously doesn’t have ears. Or at least none that we’ve seen.

Your best bet here is that you should spell his real name out in Christmas lights. We’re not sure what the name is but if you figure it out just spell it in Christmas lights and you’ll really piss him off.

Kill Santa Claus

The ultimate way to end Christmas - Kill Santa. This nordic chimney creep has been strolling around the planet in his sleigh with a bunch of freaky reindeer for far too long. If you can take this guy down, you’d be a mother freaking holiday hero.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.