Roy’s been living with your mother for seven years even though they’ve been married for five. Everything about his lanky body and ape-like posture rub you the wrong way, but really it’s the way he celebrates Christmas that turns you off. You definitely hate the way he makes everyone open their presents one by one, and how he insists on wearing a Santa hat and beard and shoving a bowl full of jelly down his shirt when he hands gifts out, but there are five Christmas traditions that he keeps to himself, and for good reason.

Sucking The Christmas Egg

Ah, the Christmas Egg. You know its red and green exterior well, but what’s inside? Where did it come from? What does it taste like and why does spend hours sucking on its thick exterior? These are questions that Roy refuses to answer in spite of our many emails.

The Midnight Tickle

December 20th and all through the house, not a creature is stirring except for the squadron of professional ticklers that Roy hired to break into your home and tease him with feathers. His squeals of delight have been sticking their fingers into your dreams for quite some time now.

Wrap A Ribbon Around The Old Man

Each December 15th, Roy finds the oldest, wrinkliest man and wraps him with a thick, plaid Christmas ribbon until he’s covered head to toe like a mummy. What the old man does with the ribbon after Roy’s finished with all that wrapping is up to him.

The Santa Howl

That warbling sound that cracks through the night on Christmas Eve? It’s not a pack of “holiday wolves” like your mother’s been telling you for five years, it’s Roy. He’s in the back yard howling for Santa to bring him a package of raw beef.

The Candy Cane Run

A multi-part holiday extravaganza where Roy licks every miniature candy cane in the house before sticking them to his nude body and running as fast as he can for a ten block radius. If the candy canes stick to his body you win, if they fall off he wins - you never win.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.