Quarantine No Nos

We’re crawling up the walls, baking every bread that can be baked. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Joshua Tree. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Palm Springs. We’re baking bread with our photogenic dogs and vacation pods in Joshua Tree and Palm Springs. We’ll never leave quarantine, we’ll let the virus burn through us until the only people left are COVID free by default. You can cross your fingers and hope that you make it to 2021 without saddling your family without a hefty respirator bill, or you can avoid these Quarantine No Nos and continue pacing your studio apartment Coronavirus free.

Wearing Your Mask On Top Of Your Head Is A No No

Really, truthfully, seriously, wearing a mask anywhere but over your mouth and nose is a major no no. If I had a ruler I would wrap you across the knuckles for letting your little nose out for some “fresh” air, but I don’t have a ruler and I’m afraid of retaliation so you’ll just have to read this and feel adequately disciplined. Masks are great, but the way things are going I feel as if we should beef things up a bit. It’s time to do away with flimsy cloth masks and start wearing full HAZMAT suits wherever we go. It’s stylish and you’ll stay safe whenever you encounter someone committing a real quarantine no no. 

Letting Someone New Into Your Vacation Pod Is A No No

You’re off to Mammoth Lake for a long weekend, you’re at a hot spring drinking pinot grigio, you’re playing boggle with friends you haven’t seen in months because you’ve all been inside to avoid a slow, painful death. So why is Neil here? Who is Neil? Have any of you even met Neil? Is that his real name? Bringing someone like “Neil” into your vacation pod at the last minute isn’t just unwise – what if he’s a grifter or serial murderer or someone thinking of becoming a serial murderer who moonlights as a grifter? It’s unhealthy. You don’t know what germs Neil’s carrying. That negative COVID test he’s tossing around like a shiny new dime could be a fake. Neil could be a coronavirus-riddled Photoshop expert, and here you are sucking in his germs like some kind of COVID freak. This is truly a quarantine no no.

Your Kissing Booth Is A No No

Why did you install a kissing booth in the lobby of your apartment building? Especially now. It would be one thing if you’d done it a year ago, but to build a booth out of plywood and cheap paint so you can charge a dollar a kiss from strangers in the middle of a pandemic is just flirting with disaster. It’s also a quarantine no no.

Sitting Down Anywhere At Any Time Is A No No

You’re in a pair of rubber gloves, a cloth mask, and visor. You’re taking the 15 minute walk that you’ve been instructed to take by the local, state, and federal government, and for some reason you think you’re safe (not just “some” reason, we all know the reason is pure numbskullery). Maybe you find yourself at a park, or maybe you’re just some poor schlub who likes to pop a squat wherever you feel it’s appropriate. Should your park your keister on that bench? It’s more than six feet a away from anyone else. You do it, it feels good to rest. Well get used to it because you’re going to be resting in a coffin from here on out. That’s right, coronavirus can seep through clothing now, specifically when that clothing is touching a bench. We’re not at this point yet, but who knows when COVID will become transferable through the mere act of outdoor rest? It’s best if you never sit again. Sitting? That’s right, it’s a quarantine no no.

Staying Informed Is A No No

Theoretically, there’s nothing wrong with reading the news or listening to a podcast where someone reads the news to you, but what do you have to gain from knowledge at this specific point in time? Today, just like yesterday, things are awful. California is on fire, one of the states whose name I can’t remember is completely red on the Covid map (red is bad in this instance), and everyone is being shot by the police all the time. Why would you want to hear about that when you could just watch Toxic Avenger for the 50th time? Doing anything news related is a big no no.

Can I promise you that if you follow these guidelines that you’ll make it to the big outdoor barbecue and kiss fest that we’re all having once the coronavirus cuts the world population in half? No, that would be foolish. But there’s nothing wrong with being safe.